Q&A › Khitbah & engagement
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Khitbah & engagement
Proposals, ta'aruf, limits during the engagement. Arranged by the most frequently asked questions.
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1What does khitbah (proposal) mean and is it obligatory before marriage?
Khitbah is a man's request to marry a woman, and it is not a pillar or a condition for a valid marriage.
In fiqh terms, khitbah is only a promise to marry, not a contract. So a marriage is still valid even without a proposal or engagement ceremony. But khitbah is prescribed because it gives both parties and their families room to get to know each other, ask questions, pray istikharah and agree calmly before the contract. The Qur'an mentions khitbah directly in Surah al-Baqarah 2:235, and the Prophet ﷺ forbade a man to propose over his brother's proposal, which shows that khitbah is a practice recognised by the Shariah. After the engagement, the couple are still ajnabi (not mahram) to each other until the contract is pronounced. See also khitbah and glossary.
In fiqh terms, khitbah is only a promise to marry, not a contract. So a marriage is still valid even without a proposal or engagement ceremony. But khitbah is prescribed because it gives both parties and their families room to get to know each other, ask questions, pray istikharah and agree calmly before the contract. The Qur'an mentions khitbah directly in Surah al-Baqarah 2:235, and the Prophet ﷺ forbade a man to propose over his brother's proposal, which shows that khitbah is a practice recognised by the Shariah. After the engagement, the couple are still ajnabi (not mahram) to each other until the contract is pronounced. See also khitbah and glossary.
Surah al-Baqarah 2:235Sahih al-Bukhari 5142Sahih Muslim, Kitab an-Nikah
2May a man look at the face of the woman he intends to propose to?
Yes, it is in fact recommended to look at the woman one intends to propose to, with the intention of marriage.
Al-Mughirah bin Syu'bah once proposed to a woman and the Prophet ﷺ said: "Look at her, for that is more likely to make (the affection) between you last." In the narration of Muslim, the Prophet ﷺ asked a Companion who wanted to marry a woman of the Ansar whether he had seen her, and told him to look at her. In the Shafi'i school, it is best to look before the formal proposal so that if he is not drawn to her, the man can withdraw without hurting the woman's family. Looking must be without seclusion (khalwat) and without touching, and only as far as needed. It is not a licence to gaze with desire or repeatedly without purpose. See khitbah.
Al-Mughirah bin Syu'bah once proposed to a woman and the Prophet ﷺ said: "Look at her, for that is more likely to make (the affection) between you last." In the narration of Muslim, the Prophet ﷺ asked a Companion who wanted to marry a woman of the Ansar whether he had seen her, and told him to look at her. In the Shafi'i school, it is best to look before the formal proposal so that if he is not drawn to her, the man can withdraw without hurting the woman's family. Looking must be without seclusion (khalwat) and without touching, and only as far as needed. It is not a licence to gaze with desire or repeatedly without purpose. See khitbah.
Sunan at-Tirmidhi 1087 (hasan)Sahih Muslim, Kitab an-Nikah
3Which parts of the woman being proposed to may be seen? May it be without a headscarf?
According to the Shafi'i school, only the face and both palms may be seen; the woman need not remove her headscarf.
The face shows her looks, while the hands show her build, and that is enough to make a decision. Looking at any other part of the ʿawrah remains forbidden because the couple are not yet married. The viewing must be in the presence of a mahram or others (no khalwat), without touching, and with a serious intention to marry. Asking a woman to remove her headscarf, send photos without a headscarf, or do a "trial" in certain clothes is not permitted in the school practised in Malaysia. If in doubt about some physical feature, one may ask through a trusted woman from one's own family. See khitbah.
The face shows her looks, while the hands show her build, and that is enough to make a decision. Looking at any other part of the ʿawrah remains forbidden because the couple are not yet married. The viewing must be in the presence of a mahram or others (no khalwat), without touching, and with a serious intention to marry. Asking a woman to remove her headscarf, send photos without a headscarf, or do a "trial" in certain clothes is not permitted in the school practised in Malaysia. If in doubt about some physical feature, one may ask through a trusted woman from one's own family. See khitbah.
Difference between schools. The Hanafi, Maliki and Shafi'i schools limit it to the face and palms (some Hanafis add the feet). The Hanbali school permits the parts usually visible at home such as the neck, hands and feet.
Sunan at-Tirmidhi 1087 (hasan)Sahih Muslim, Kitab an-NikahSurah an-Nur 24:31
4What is the ruling on proposing to a woman who has already been proposed to by another man?
It is forbidden to propose to a woman who has accepted another man's proposal, unless the first man withdraws or gives permission.
The Prophet ﷺ said that a man may not propose over his brother's proposal until the earlier suitor abandons it or permits him. This prohibition protects feelings, dignity and good relations between families. In the Shafi'i school, the prohibition applies once the first proposal has been clearly accepted by the woman or her wali. If the first proposal was declined, or no answer has yet been given, another man may propose. The evidence is the hadith of Fatimah bint Qais, who was proposed to by two men at once, and the Prophet ﷺ advised her to choose Usamah. If someone nonetheless proposes and marries in that forbidden situation, he is sinful but the marriage is valid according to the majority.
The Prophet ﷺ said that a man may not propose over his brother's proposal until the earlier suitor abandons it or permits him. This prohibition protects feelings, dignity and good relations between families. In the Shafi'i school, the prohibition applies once the first proposal has been clearly accepted by the woman or her wali. If the first proposal was declined, or no answer has yet been given, another man may propose. The evidence is the hadith of Fatimah bint Qais, who was proposed to by two men at once, and the Prophet ﷺ advised her to choose Usamah. If someone nonetheless proposes and marries in that forbidden situation, he is sinful but the marriage is valid according to the majority.
Difference of madhhab. The majority hold that such a marriage is valid though sinful. Some Maliki scholars hold that the marriage is dissolved (fasakh) if it has not been consummated.
Sahih al-Bukhari 5142Sahih Muslim, Kitab an-NikahSahih Muslim, Kitab at-Talaq
5We are engaged. May we go out to eat or for outings together, just the two of us?
You may not be alone together (khalwat), because an engaged couple are still not mahram to each other.
An engagement is only a promise to marry and does not make lawful anything that is forbidden before the contract. The Prophet ﷺ said: "Let no man be alone with a woman except with her mahram." If you need to meet for marriage matters such as choosing a home, discussing finances or meeting a wedding planner, bring a mahram or family member, or meet in a busy public place without physical contact. In Malaysia, being alone together in a secluded place may also be the offence of khalwat under the state Syariah criminal Enactment, with no exemption for engaged couples. If the engagement period feels hard, consider bringing the contract forward.
An engagement is only a promise to marry and does not make lawful anything that is forbidden before the contract. The Prophet ﷺ said: "Let no man be alone with a woman except with her mahram." If you need to meet for marriage matters such as choosing a home, discussing finances or meeting a wedding planner, bring a mahram or family member, or meet in a busy public place without physical contact. In Malaysia, being alone together in a secluded place may also be the offence of khalwat under the state Syariah criminal Enactment, with no exemption for engaged couples. If the engagement period feels hard, consider bringing the contract forward.
Sahih al-Bukhari 5233Sahih Muslim, Kitab al-HajjSurah al-Isra' 17:32
6What is the ruling on breaking off an engagement? Is it a sin?
Breaking off an engagement is permitted because it is only a promise, but it is disliked (makruh) if done without a reasonable cause.
Khitbah is not a contract, so both parties are entitled to withdraw. But Islam places great emphasis on keeping promises; among the signs of a hypocrite is "when he promises, he breaks it". So breaking off an engagement on a whim, especially after the families have made big preparations, can cause hurt and damage people's dignity. If there is a valid reason, for example bad character newly discovered, religion not observed, deceit, a serious illness that was concealed or a heart that is truly not at peace, then breaking off the engagement is better than forcing an unhappy marriage. Do it with adab: through a family representative, frankly, and settle the matter of gifts and expenses fairly.
Khitbah is not a contract, so both parties are entitled to withdraw. But Islam places great emphasis on keeping promises; among the signs of a hypocrite is "when he promises, he breaks it". So breaking off an engagement on a whim, especially after the families have made big preparations, can cause hurt and damage people's dignity. If there is a valid reason, for example bad character newly discovered, religion not observed, deceit, a serious illness that was concealed or a heart that is truly not at peace, then breaking off the engagement is better than forcing an unhappy marriage. Do it with adab: through a family representative, frankly, and settle the matter of gifts and expenses fairly.
Sahih al-Bukhari 33Sahih Muslim, Kitab al-ImanSurah al-Isra' 17:34
7When an engagement is broken off, must the ring and gifts be returned?
Scholars differ; in Malaysia it also depends on who broke the promise and the Syariah Court's decision.
Rings and hantaran items given during the engagement are considered gifts, not mahr. In law, Act 303 and the state Enactments provide that a party who breaks an engagement without a valid reason may be ordered to return the engagement gifts (or their value) and pay expenses incurred in good faith in preparing for the marriage. If there is a dispute, try to negotiate amicably through representatives of both families before going to court. Any mahr already paid must be returned in full because the contract has not taken place. See khitbah (proposal).
Rings and hantaran items given during the engagement are considered gifts, not mahr. In law, Act 303 and the state Enactments provide that a party who breaks an engagement without a valid reason may be ordered to return the engagement gifts (or their value) and pay expenses incurred in good faith in preparing for the marriage. If there is a dispute, try to negotiate amicably through representatives of both families before going to court. Any mahr already paid must be returned in full because the contract has not taken place. See khitbah (proposal).
Difference among the schools. Hanafi: gifts can be reclaimed if the items still exist. Maliki: if the man breaks it off he cannot reclaim them; if the woman's side breaks it off the gifts are returned, unless there is a custom ('urf) or other condition. Within the Shafi'i school there is a view that gifts given because of the marriage can be reclaimed.
8Is it true that if the woman's side breaks off the engagement, she must return double?
That is a custom of some Malay communities, not a binding ruling of the Shariah.
By custom, if the man's side breaks it off, his gifts are forfeited; if the woman's side breaks it off, she returns the gifts double. Islam respects ʿuruf (custom) that does not conflict with the Shariah, and this custom can take effect if both families did agree to it at the engagement. But it is not a religious obligation. Islamic family law in Malaysia only mentions the return of engagement gifts (or their value) and expenses incurred in good faith, by the party who breaks the engagement without a valid reason. If the two families disagree about the amount, take it to the Syariah Court or negotiate through sulh (mediation). Ideally, the agreement on this should be recorded at the engagement ceremony to avoid disputes.
By custom, if the man's side breaks it off, his gifts are forfeited; if the woman's side breaks it off, she returns the gifts double. Islam respects ʿuruf (custom) that does not conflict with the Shariah, and this custom can take effect if both families did agree to it at the engagement. But it is not a religious obligation. Islamic family law in Malaysia only mentions the return of engagement gifts (or their value) and expenses incurred in good faith, by the party who breaks the engagement without a valid reason. If the two families disagree about the amount, take it to the Syariah Court or negotiate through sulh (mediation). Ideally, the agreement on this should be recorded at the engagement ceremony to avoid disputes.
Act 303, s.15Surah al-Isra' 17:34
9My fiancé(e) broke off the engagement without reason. Can I make a claim in the Syariah Court?
Yes, Islamic family law in Malaysia allows a claim when an engagement is broken without valid reason.
Act 303 (Federal Territories) and the equivalent state enactments provide that a party who breaks an engagement, while the other party is still willing to marry, can be ordered to return the engagement gifts or their value, and to pay money spent in good faith on wedding preparations such as hall bookings, catering or clothes. Keep receipts, messages and proof of the engagement. The court will assess whether there was a valid reason to end it. Claims usually do not cover "compensation for hurt feelings". Before filing, try to negotiate through the families or sulh. Consult your state enactment and khitbah.
Act 303 (Federal Territories) and the equivalent state enactments provide that a party who breaks an engagement, while the other party is still willing to marry, can be ordered to return the engagement gifts or their value, and to pay money spent in good faith on wedding preparations such as hall bookings, catering or clothes. Keep receipts, messages and proof of the engagement. The court will assess whether there was a valid reason to end it. Claims usually do not cover "compensation for hurt feelings". Before filing, try to negotiate through the families or sulh. Consult your state enactment and khitbah.
10What is ta'aruf and how does it differ from dating or being a 'couple'?
Ta'aruf is the process of getting to know each other for the purpose of marriage within the limits of the Shariah, while being a 'couple' is usually a romantic relationship without commitment or limits.
Ta'aruf has a clear aim (marriage), involves the wali or an intermediary, takes place over a reasonable period, and is conducted without khalwat, touching or flirtatious conversation. It usually begins with an exchange of biodata, followed by chaperoned meetings, discussion of life values, and istikharah. Dating, by contrast, often involves being alone together and intimacy that comes close to zina, whereas Allah says "do not come near zina". A good ta'aruf does not necessarily end in marriage; if the two are not compatible, it is ended kindly. See criteria for choosing a spouse.
Ta'aruf has a clear aim (marriage), involves the wali or an intermediary, takes place over a reasonable period, and is conducted without khalwat, touching or flirtatious conversation. It usually begins with an exchange of biodata, followed by chaperoned meetings, discussion of life values, and istikharah. Dating, by contrast, often involves being alone together and intimacy that comes close to zina, whereas Allah says "do not come near zina". A good ta'aruf does not necessarily end in marriage; if the two are not compatible, it is ended kindly. See criteria for choosing a spouse.
Surah al-Isra' 17:32Surah an-Nur 24:30-31Sahih al-Bukhari 5233
11What questions should one ask a prospective spouse during ta'aruf?
Ask about the things that determine long-term compatibility: religion, character, life goals, finances and family.
Important topics include: prayer and religious commitment; how they handle anger and conflict; career and housing plans; income, debts and dependants; hopes about children and how to raise them; the roles of husband and wife, including a working wife; relations with parents and in-laws; health, including chronic or hereditary illness; and marital history if previously married. If the man is already married or intends polygyny in future, this should be discussed frankly. The Prophet ﷺ advised choosing for religion and character. Questions can be sent through an intermediary or discussed in a chaperoned meeting. See criteria and responsibilities.
Important topics include: prayer and religious commitment; how they handle anger and conflict; career and housing plans; income, debts and dependants; hopes about children and how to raise them; the roles of husband and wife, including a working wife; relations with parents and in-laws; health, including chronic or hereditary illness; and marital history if previously married. If the man is already married or intends polygyny in future, this should be discussed frankly. The Prophet ﷺ advised choosing for religion and character. Questions can be sent through an intermediary or discussed in a chaperoned meeting. See criteria and responsibilities.
Sahih al-Bukhari 5090Sahih Muslim, Kitab ar-Radha'Sunan at-Tirmidhi 1084 (hasan)
12May an engaged couple chat by phone or WhatsApp every day?
Communicating about marriage matters is allowed, but affectionate, romantic or excessive conversation is not, as you are still not mahram.
Discussing the date of the ceremony, finances, accommodation or ta'aruf questions is a need. But late-night calls, words of love, flirtatious joking or sharing private photos can open the door to temptation (fitnah). Allah reminds women not to soften their speech so that one with a disease in his heart is moved to desire (al-Ahzab 33:32), and commands men and women to lower their gaze. Practical steps: use a WhatsApp group that includes family members, limit the time, and keep a respectful tone. If feelings are hard to control, that is a sign to bring the contract forward.
Discussing the date of the ceremony, finances, accommodation or ta'aruf questions is a need. But late-night calls, words of love, flirtatious joking or sharing private photos can open the door to temptation (fitnah). Allah reminds women not to soften their speech so that one with a disease in his heart is moved to desire (al-Ahzab 33:32), and commands men and women to lower their gaze. Practical steps: use a WhatsApp group that includes family members, limit the time, and keep a respectful tone. If feelings are hard to control, that is a sign to bring the contract forward.
Surah al-Ahzab 33:32Surah an-Nur 24:30-31
13May one make a video call to see a prospective spouse who lives far away?
Yes, in place of seeing each other in person, under the same conditions as looking at a prospective wife during khitbah (an-nazar).
The purpose of seeing is so that the decision to marry is made with clarity, and this can be achieved through a video call when distance makes meeting difficult. The conditions: a serious intention to propose, the woman dressed covering her ʿawrah (only the face and palms may be seen according to the Shafi'i school), the call is accompanied by or known to the wali or family members, and it is not recorded or shared without permission. Avoid prolonged one-to-one video calls, as the ruling resembles khalwat in terms of temptation. For cross-border ta'aruf, involve both families from the start. See khitbah.
The purpose of seeing is so that the decision to marry is made with clarity, and this can be achieved through a video call when distance makes meeting difficult. The conditions: a serious intention to propose, the woman dressed covering her ʿawrah (only the face and palms may be seen according to the Shafi'i school), the call is accompanied by or known to the wali or family members, and it is not recorded or shared without permission. Avoid prolonged one-to-one video calls, as the ruling resembles khalwat in terms of temptation. For cross-border ta'aruf, involve both families from the start. See khitbah.
Sunan at-Tirmidhi 1087 (hasan)Sahih Muslim, Kitab an-Nikah
14May the male fiancé himself put the ring on his fiancée's finger?
No, because skin contact with a non-mahram is forbidden even after engagement.
According to the Shafi'i school, touching a non-mahram (ajnabi) woman without urgent necessity is forbidden. Aishah r.a. stated that the hand of the Messenger of Allah ﷺ never touched the hand of a (non-mahram) woman, even during the pledge of allegiance. In Malay custom, the ring is put on by the man's mother or female relative, and that is the way in keeping with Syariah. The same applies to pre-wedding photo sessions: avoid holding hands or embracing. An engagement is not half a marriage; touch is only lawful after the contract. See khitbah (proposal).
According to the Shafi'i school, touching a non-mahram (ajnabi) woman without urgent necessity is forbidden. Aishah r.a. stated that the hand of the Messenger of Allah ﷺ never touched the hand of a (non-mahram) woman, even during the pledge of allegiance. In Malay custom, the ring is put on by the man's mother or female relative, and that is the way in keeping with Syariah. The same applies to pre-wedding photo sessions: avoid holding hands or embracing. An engagement is not half a marriage; touch is only lawful after the contract. See khitbah (proposal).
Difference among the schools. Some Hanafi and Hanbali scholars permit shaking hands with elderly women where no desire is aroused; but no school permits touching a young fiancée.
Narrated by al-Bukhari and Muslim (the hadith of Aishah on the women's pledge of allegiance)
15How long is a suitable engagement period in Islam?
The Shariah sets no specific period; what is recommended is not to prolong it without need.
The length of an engagement depends on financial preparation, accommodation, studies and family matters. But a very long engagement often brings problems: the temptation to cross boundaries, changes of heart, interference by others, and rising costs. Many scholars advise that couples who are compatible and able should marry soon. If there are obstacles such as studies, one option is to conclude a lawfully registered contract first and postpone the walimah. In Malaysia, arrange the pre-marriage course, health screening and marriage application early, as they take time. See khitbah and walimah.
The length of an engagement depends on financial preparation, accommodation, studies and family matters. But a very long engagement often brings problems: the temptation to cross boundaries, changes of heart, interference by others, and rising costs. Many scholars advise that couples who are compatible and able should marry soon. If there are obstacles such as studies, one option is to conclude a lawfully registered contract first and postpone the walimah. In Malaysia, arrange the pre-marriage course, health screening and marriage application early, as they take time. See khitbah and walimah.
Surah an-Nur 24:32Sunan at-Tirmidhi 1084 (hasan)
16Is the istikharah prayer needed before accepting a proposal? How do you know the answer?
The istikharah prayer is recommended, and the answer does not necessarily come through a dream.
Jabir r.a. narrated that the Prophet ﷺ taught the Companions to seek guidance (istikharah) in all matters as he taught them a surah of the Qur'an. The method: pray two voluntary rak'ahs, then recite the istikharah supplication, mentioning the matter of the proposal. Scholars explain that after istikharah, a person goes ahead with what seems good, and Allah will make it easy if it is good, or turn it away if not. Istikharah should be paired with istisyarah, that is, asking trusted people for their opinion of the suitor's religion and character. Do not rely solely on feelings or dreams while ignoring clear facts. See supplication & prayer.
Jabir r.a. narrated that the Prophet ﷺ taught the Companions to seek guidance (istikharah) in all matters as he taught them a surah of the Qur'an. The method: pray two voluntary rak'ahs, then recite the istikharah supplication, mentioning the matter of the proposal. Scholars explain that after istikharah, a person goes ahead with what seems good, and Allah will make it easy if it is good, or turn it away if not. Istikharah should be paired with istisyarah, that is, asking trusted people for their opinion of the suitor's religion and character. Do not rely solely on feelings or dreams while ignoring clear facts. See supplication & prayer.
Sahih al-Bukhari 1166
17May a woman also look at the man who proposes to her?
Yes, it is also recommended (sunnah) for a woman to see the man who proposes to her, for the same reason.
The wisdom of seeing is so that the marriage is built on willing consent and lasting affection, and a woman has the same right to be satisfied with her prospective husband. Scholars of the Shafi'i school state that a woman may look at the man who proposes to her. Moreover, a woman's consent is required in marriage; the Prophet ﷺ rejected the marriage of Khansa' binti Khidham, who was married off without her consent. Meetings should be chaperoned, without khalwat or touching. A woman also has the right to ask about the man's religion, character, work, health and marital status. See khitbah.
The wisdom of seeing is so that the marriage is built on willing consent and lasting affection, and a woman has the same right to be satisfied with her prospective husband. Scholars of the Shafi'i school state that a woman may look at the man who proposes to her. Moreover, a woman's consent is required in marriage; the Prophet ﷺ rejected the marriage of Khansa' binti Khidham, who was married off without her consent. Meetings should be chaperoned, without khalwat or touching. A woman also has the right to ask about the man's religion, character, work, health and marital status. See khitbah.
Sunan at-Tirmidhi 1087 (hasan)Sahih al-Bukhari 5138
18May I look at the woman discreetly without her knowing?
Yes, according to the Shafi'i school, and it in fact better protects the woman's feelings if the man ultimately does not go ahead with the proposal.
Jabir bin Abdullah r.a. related that after hearing the Prophet's ﷺ words about looking at a woman one intends to propose to, he hid himself to see the woman he wanted to marry, and then went ahead with the marriage. The conditions: a genuine intention to propose, looking only at what is normally visible (face and palms), not peering into the home or when she is not covering her ʿawrah, not following or harassing her, and not taking photos or videos secretly. If he is not drawn to her, he should stay silent and not tell others. Another option: ask the family to arrange a chaperoned meeting.
Jabir bin Abdullah r.a. related that after hearing the Prophet's ﷺ words about looking at a woman one intends to propose to, he hid himself to see the woman he wanted to marry, and then went ahead with the marriage. The conditions: a genuine intention to propose, looking only at what is normally visible (face and palms), not peering into the home or when she is not covering her ʿawrah, not following or harassing her, and not taking photos or videos secretly. If he is not drawn to her, he should stay silent and not tell others. Another option: ask the family to arrange a chaperoned meeting.
Narrated by Abu Dawud (hasan), the hadith of Jabir
19May one ask for a photo of the prospective wife? What if the photo is without a headscarf?
A photo in clothing that covers the ʿawrah may be requested for the purpose of a proposal; a photo without a headscarf is not permitted.
A photo stands in for a direct look, so the ruling and limits are the same: only the parts that may be seen during khitbah (the face and palms according to the Shafi'i school). It must be for the need to make a decision, not kept, shared with friends or circulated. If the proposal does not go ahead, delete the photo as a trust. Photos can be edited and misleading, so a chaperoned meeting in person or video call is more reliable. The woman's side is entitled to refuse a request for photos and choose a chaperoned meeting instead. See khitbah.
A photo stands in for a direct look, so the ruling and limits are the same: only the parts that may be seen during khitbah (the face and palms according to the Shafi'i school). It must be for the need to make a decision, not kept, shared with friends or circulated. If the proposal does not go ahead, delete the photo as a trust. Photos can be edited and misleading, so a chaperoned meeting in person or video call is more reliable. The woman's side is entitled to refuse a request for photos and choose a chaperoned meeting instead. See khitbah.
Sunan at-Tirmidhi 1087 (hasan)Surah an-Nur 24:31
20May a woman or her family propose to a man first?
Yes, and it does not diminish her dignity if done in a good way.
Khadijah r.a. herself expressed her wish to marry the Prophet ﷺ through the intermediary Nafisah binti Munyah. Sahih al-Bukhari has a chapter on a woman offering herself to a righteous man, and Anas r.a. praised that woman for her desire for good when his daughter questioned what she had done. The Qur'an also records the father of the two women of Madyan offering his daughter to Prophet Musa a.s. (al-Qasas 28:27). The best way is through a wali, family member or trusted intermediary, so that dignity is preserved and an answer can be given calmly. The marriage contract still requires a wali for the bride. See khitbah.
Khadijah r.a. herself expressed her wish to marry the Prophet ﷺ through the intermediary Nafisah binti Munyah. Sahih al-Bukhari has a chapter on a woman offering herself to a righteous man, and Anas r.a. praised that woman for her desire for good when his daughter questioned what she had done. The Qur'an also records the father of the two women of Madyan offering his daughter to Prophet Musa a.s. (al-Qasas 28:27). The best way is through a wali, family member or trusted intermediary, so that dignity is preserved and an answer can be given calmly. The marriage contract still requires a wali for the bride. See khitbah.
Surah al-Qasas 28:26-27Narrated by al-Bukhari (chapter on a woman offering herself to a righteous man)Sirah Ibn Hisyam
21May a father offer his daughter to a righteous man?
Yes, and it was even the practice of the Companions and is mentioned in the Qur'an.
Umar al-Khattab r.a., after Hafsah was widowed, offered her to Uthman and then Abu Bakar r.a., before the Prophet ﷺ finally proposed to her; this account is narrated by al-Bukhari (Sahih al-Bukhari 5122). The father of the two women of Madyan also offered his daughter to the Prophet Musa a.s. Such an offer is only a suggestion; the daughter still has the right to give her consent, and the man has the right to decline kindly. Use an approach that causes no embarrassment, for example through a friend or an intermediary. Choose on the basis of religion and character, as the Prophet ﷺ advised. See criteria.
Umar al-Khattab r.a., after Hafsah was widowed, offered her to Uthman and then Abu Bakar r.a., before the Prophet ﷺ finally proposed to her; this account is narrated by al-Bukhari (Sahih al-Bukhari 5122). The father of the two women of Madyan also offered his daughter to the Prophet Musa a.s. Such an offer is only a suggestion; the daughter still has the right to give her consent, and the man has the right to decline kindly. Use an approach that causes no embarrassment, for example through a friend or an intermediary. Choose on the basis of religion and character, as the Prophet ﷺ advised. See criteria.
Surah al-Qasas 28:27Sahih al-Bukhari 5122 (the account of Umar offering Hafsah)Sunan at-Tirmidhi 1084 (hasan)
22Must parents obtain their daughter's consent before accepting a proposal?
Yes, a daughter's consent is very important, and for a previously married woman it must be given explicitly.
The Prophet ﷺ said: "A previously married woman is not married until she is consulted (explicitly), and a virgin is not married until her permission is sought." When asked how a virgin gives permission, he answered: "Her silence." Khansa' binti Khidham, whose father married her off without her consent, complained, and the Prophet ﷺ annulled that marriage. Accepting a proposal on a daughter's behalf without asking can lead to an engagement that has to be broken off later. Under Islamic family law in Malaysia, the consent of both parties is also required to register the marriage. See the marriage guardian (wali).
The Prophet ﷺ said: "A previously married woman is not married until she is consulted (explicitly), and a virgin is not married until her permission is sought." When asked how a virgin gives permission, he answered: "Her silence." Khansa' binti Khidham, whose father married her off without her consent, complained, and the Prophet ﷺ annulled that marriage. Accepting a proposal on a daughter's behalf without asking can lead to an engagement that has to be broken off later. Under Islamic family law in Malaysia, the consent of both parties is also required to register the marriage. See the marriage guardian (wali).
Difference among the schools. The Shafi'i school allows a father or grandfather (wali mujbir) to marry off a virgin daughter without her permission under strict conditions, yet seeking her permission remains strongly recommended. The Hanafi school requires the consent of an adult woman.
Sahih al-Bukhari 5136Sahih Muslim, Kitab an-NikahSahih al-Bukhari 5138
23May I decline a proposal from a man my parents chose?
Yes; marriage requires your consent, and declining for a reasonable cause is not disobedience.
The hadith of Khansa' binti Khidham shows that the Prophet ﷺ rejected a marriage forced on a woman who was unwilling. But consider your parents' views seriously, because they often see things their children overlook. The best way: listen to their reasons, state yours respectfully (for example, doubts about his religion or character, or your heart not being at peace after istikharah), and seek the view of a respected third party. Avoid declining merely because of looks or wealth if his religion and character are good. If the conflict drags on, consult a counsellor. See counselling.
The hadith of Khansa' binti Khidham shows that the Prophet ﷺ rejected a marriage forced on a woman who was unwilling. But consider your parents' views seriously, because they often see things their children overlook. The best way: listen to their reasons, state yours respectfully (for example, doubts about his religion or character, or your heart not being at peace after istikharah), and seek the view of a respected third party. Avoid declining merely because of looks or wealth if his religion and character are good. If the conflict drags on, consult a counsellor. See counselling.
Sahih al-Bukhari 5138Sahih al-Bukhari 5136Surah al-Isra' 17:23
24How does one decline a proposal kindly without causing offence?
Decline promptly, briefly, politely and through the same channel the proposal came by.
Do not delay the answer too long, because it gives false hope and prevents the man from proposing to someone else. Convey it through the wali or intermediary, give thanks for the honour, and give a general reason such as "we are not yet compatible" without revealing faults or comparing with others. Return any token or gift already received. Do not spread the story of the proposal around. For the side that is declined, accept it with contentment; one's spouse is in Allah's hands and a refusal is not an insult. See khitbah.
Do not delay the answer too long, because it gives false hope and prevents the man from proposing to someone else. Convey it through the wali or intermediary, give thanks for the honour, and give a general reason such as "we are not yet compatible" without revealing faults or comparing with others. Return any token or gift already received. Do not spread the story of the proposal around. For the side that is declined, accept it with contentment; one's spouse is in Allah's hands and a refusal is not an insult. See khitbah.
Surah al-Hujurat 49:11-12Surah al-Baqarah 2:83
25May one propose to a woman who is still in her ʿiddah?
It is forbidden to propose openly to a woman still in her ʿiddah; in the ʿiddah of a raj'i talaq, even a hint is forbidden.
A woman in the ʿiddah of a raj'i (revocable) talaq (first or second talaq) is still treated as a wife because her husband may take her back, so proposing to her in any form is forbidden. For a woman in the ʿiddah of her husband's death or of an irrevocable (ba'in) talaq, Allah permits hinting (ta'rid) such as "I am looking for a righteous wife like you", but forbids a clear proposal and secret promises, and forbids a contract before the ʿiddah ends (al-Baqarah 2:235). A marriage contract during the ʿiddah is void. See ʿiddah & rujuk and khitbah.
A woman in the ʿiddah of a raj'i (revocable) talaq (first or second talaq) is still treated as a wife because her husband may take her back, so proposing to her in any form is forbidden. For a woman in the ʿiddah of her husband's death or of an irrevocable (ba'in) talaq, Allah permits hinting (ta'rid) such as "I am looking for a righteous wife like you", but forbids a clear proposal and secret promises, and forbids a contract before the ʿiddah ends (al-Baqarah 2:235). A marriage contract during the ʿiddah is void. See ʿiddah & rujuk and khitbah.
Surah al-Baqarah 2:235Surah al-Baqarah 2:228
26What are examples of permitted hints (ta'rid) for proposing to a widow in her ʿiddah?
Ta'rid is a general expression that hints at interest without stating a proposal clearly.
For example: "Many will be interested in a woman like you", "I hope Allah brings me a righteous wife", or "When the time comes, let me know." Clear expressions such as "I want to marry you after your ʿiddah" or asking for a promise are explicit (tasrih) and forbidden. Verse 2:235 permits hinting or keeping the wish in one's heart, but forbids secret promises and a contract before the ʿiddah ends. Such hinting is permitted only in the ʿiddah of death and of an irrevocable (ba'in) talaq, not a revocable (raj'i) talaq. Be mindful of the feelings of a woman newly bereaved and of her family. See widows.
For example: "Many will be interested in a woman like you", "I hope Allah brings me a righteous wife", or "When the time comes, let me know." Clear expressions such as "I want to marry you after your ʿiddah" or asking for a promise are explicit (tasrih) and forbidden. Verse 2:235 permits hinting or keeping the wish in one's heart, but forbids secret promises and a contract before the ʿiddah ends. Such hinting is permitted only in the ʿiddah of death and of an irrevocable (ba'in) talaq, not a revocable (raj'i) talaq. Be mindful of the feelings of a woman newly bereaved and of her family. See widows.
Surah al-Baqarah 2:235
27May we investigate or ask people about a prospective spouse's background?
Yes, and it is encouraged, because marriage is a major decision that requires accurate information.
Ask people who know them: the local imam, employer, colleagues, neighbours or friends, about their prayer, character, financial responsibility and how they treat their family. The Prophet ﷺ himself gave Fatimah bint Qais honest information about the two men who had proposed to her. Do it with proper manners: intend to make a decision, not to dig up faults; do not pry into private matters unlawfully (such as hacking a phone); and keep what you learn confidential. Public records can also be checked, for example marital status at the religious affairs office when applying to marry. See criteria.
Ask people who know them: the local imam, employer, colleagues, neighbours or friends, about their prayer, character, financial responsibility and how they treat their family. The Prophet ﷺ himself gave Fatimah bint Qais honest information about the two men who had proposed to her. Do it with proper manners: intend to make a decision, not to dig up faults; do not pry into private matters unlawfully (such as hacking a phone); and keep what you learn confidential. Public records can also be checked, for example marital status at the religious affairs office when applying to marry. See criteria.
Sahih Muslim, Kitab at-TalaqSurah al-Hujurat 49:12
28If someone asks my opinion of a man proposing to their daughter, may I tell them about his faults?
Yes, and it is even obligatory to speak truthfully when asked for advice, but only as far as necessary.
Scholars exempt advice about marriage from the prohibition of backbiting (ghibah). When Fatimah bint Qais asked for advice about Mu'awiyah and Abu Jahm, the Prophet ﷺ mentioned that Mu'awiyah was poor and Abu Jahm did not put his stick down from his shoulder (was harsh towards women). The Prophet ﷺ also said that the one whose advice is sought is entrusted. The limits: mention only facts relevant to the marriage such as character, religion or responsibility, not old sins that have been repented of and have no bearing, do not embellish, and do not tell it to others who did not ask.
Scholars exempt advice about marriage from the prohibition of backbiting (ghibah). When Fatimah bint Qais asked for advice about Mu'awiyah and Abu Jahm, the Prophet ﷺ mentioned that Mu'awiyah was poor and Abu Jahm did not put his stick down from his shoulder (was harsh towards women). The Prophet ﷺ also said that the one whose advice is sought is entrusted. The limits: mention only facts relevant to the marriage such as character, religion or responsibility, not old sins that have been repented of and have no bearing, do not embellish, and do not tell it to others who did not ask.
Sahih Muslim, Kitab at-TalaqNarrated by Abu Dawud and at-Tirmidhi (hasan): 'al-mustasyar mu'taman' (the one consulted is entrusted)
29Must I tell my prospective spouse about my illness or disability?
Yes, a defect or illness that affects the marriage must be disclosed; concealing it is deception.
The jurists list several 'aib (defects) that allow the other party to seek judicial dissolution (fasakh), such as illnesses that prevent marital relations and serious contagious diseases. More broadly, concealing major matters such as a chronic illness, known fertility problems, a serious mental disorder or an addiction is contrary to trustworthiness. Disclosure need not be public; it is enough to tell the prospective spouse and their wali privately. Pre-marriage health screening in Malaysia helps, and its results should be shared with each other. See judicial dissolution (fasakh) and khitbah.
The jurists list several 'aib (defects) that allow the other party to seek judicial dissolution (fasakh), such as illnesses that prevent marital relations and serious contagious diseases. More broadly, concealing major matters such as a chronic illness, known fertility problems, a serious mental disorder or an addiction is contrary to trustworthiness. Disclosure need not be public; it is enough to tell the prospective spouse and their wali privately. Pre-marriage health screening in Malaysia helps, and its results should be shared with each other. See judicial dissolution (fasakh) and khitbah.
Surah al-Ahzab 33:70Act 303, s.52
30What are the consequences if the prospective husband lies about his status, job or income during the engagement?
Deception during khitbah is a sin and gives the deceived party the right to break off the engagement; if already married, it may be the basis of a claim in court.
Deception about basic matters such as marital status, religion, occupation or large debts undermines consent, whereas marriage is built on honest agreement. Before the contract, the deceived party may withdraw without being counted as breaking a promise, and may claim the return of gifts and expenses. After the contract, the effect depends on the type of deception and the Syariah court's decision, for example fasakh or action relating to polygyny without permission. Protect yourself: check documents, get to know his family, and involve the wali. See khitbah.
Deception about basic matters such as marital status, religion, occupation or large debts undermines consent, whereas marriage is built on honest agreement. Before the contract, the deceived party may withdraw without being counted as breaking a promise, and may claim the return of gifts and expenses. After the contract, the effect depends on the type of deception and the Syariah court's decision, for example fasakh or action relating to polygyny without permission. Protect yourself: check documents, get to know his family, and involve the wali. See khitbah.
31A married man wants to propose. Must he disclose his marital status?
Yes, he must be honest with the woman and her wali that he is already married.
Concealing marital status is deception about something that greatly affects the woman's decision: her right to a rotation of nights (giliran), maintenance, housing and her relationship with the co-wife. In Malaysia, a married man must apply for the Syariah Court's permission before taking another wife, and the process involves information about the existing wife and the prospective wife. Openness from the khitbah stage is therefore safer both religiously and legally. The prospective wife is also entitled to ask about his financial means, his rotation plans and whether the first wife has been informed. See prospective second wife and polygyny in Malaysia.
Concealing marital status is deception about something that greatly affects the woman's decision: her right to a rotation of nights (giliran), maintenance, housing and her relationship with the co-wife. In Malaysia, a married man must apply for the Syariah Court's permission before taking another wife, and the process involves information about the existing wife and the prospective wife. Openness from the khitbah stage is therefore safer both religiously and legally. The prospective wife is also entitled to ask about his financial means, his rotation plans and whether the first wife has been informed. See prospective second wife and polygyny in Malaysia.
32May a married man become engaged to a prospective second wife before obtaining the court's permission?
An engagement itself is not wrong, but a polygynous marriage contract may not be made before the court's written permission is obtained.
A proposal (khitbah) is only a promise, so it does not need the court's permission. But in Malaysia, a polygyny application is made to the Syariah Court under s.23 of Act 303 or the state Enactment, and the court assesses means, fairness and necessity; the application may be rejected. So an engagement should be made with the shared understanding that the date of the contract depends on the court's decision, and the woman's side should be told of the risk. Marrying without permission, including abroad, is an offence under state law. See polygyny in Malaysia.
A proposal (khitbah) is only a promise, so it does not need the court's permission. But in Malaysia, a polygyny application is made to the Syariah Court under s.23 of Act 303 or the state Enactment, and the court assesses means, fairness and necessity; the application may be rejected. So an engagement should be made with the shared understanding that the date of the contract depends on the court's decision, and the woman's side should be told of the risk. Marrying without permission, including abroad, is an offence under state law. See polygyny in Malaysia.
33A man who already has four wives: may he get engaged to another woman first?
No; proposing to a woman whom he may not lawfully marry at that time is forbidden.
The maximum number of wives at one time is four (an-Nisa' 4:3). A man who still has four wives may not marry a fifth woman, so scholars stress that he may not propose to her either, because a proposal is a step towards something unlawful for him, and it usually leads to divorcing an existing wife for the sake of another woman. Only after one of his wives has died, or has been divorced and her ʿiddah has ended (for a raj'i talaq), does he become eligible to propose. See fiqh of polygyny.
The maximum number of wives at one time is four (an-Nisa' 4:3). A man who still has four wives may not marry a fifth woman, so scholars stress that he may not propose to her either, because a proposal is a step towards something unlawful for him, and it usually leads to divorcing an existing wife for the sake of another woman. Only after one of his wives has died, or has been divorced and her ʿiddah has ended (for a raj'i talaq), does he become eligible to propose. See fiqh of polygyny.
Surah an-Nisa' 4:3
34May one propose or become engaged while in ihram for hajj or umrah?
No; the Prophet ﷺ forbade a person in ihram from marrying, giving in marriage and proposing.
Uthman bin Affan r.a. narrated that the Prophet ﷺ said: "A person in ihram may not marry, may not be given in marriage, and may not propose." In the Shafi'i school, a marriage contract during ihram is invalid, while proposing during ihram is judged disliked (makruh). This prohibition applies whether it is the man, the woman or the wali who is in ihram. After tahallul, everything becomes permissible again. So if you intend to make a proposal in the Holy Land, do it after leaving ihram. See khitbah.
Uthman bin Affan r.a. narrated that the Prophet ﷺ said: "A person in ihram may not marry, may not be given in marriage, and may not propose." In the Shafi'i school, a marriage contract during ihram is invalid, while proposing during ihram is judged disliked (makruh). This prohibition applies whether it is the man, the woman or the wali who is in ihram. After tahallul, everything becomes permissible again. So if you intend to make a proposal in the Holy Land, do it after leaving ihram. See khitbah.
Difference of madhhab. The Hanafi school permits a marriage contract during ihram, based on Ibn Abbas's narration about the Prophet's ﷺ marriage to Maimunah; the majority hold to the hadith of Uthman.
Sahih Muslim, Kitab an-Nikah
35Is it sunnah to deliver a sermon when proposing?
Yes, in the Shafi'i school it is recommended to begin a proposal with a short sermon (praise of Allah and blessings on the Prophet).
Scholars mention the khutbah al-hajah taught by the Prophet ﷺ for important matters, which begins with "Innal-hamda lillah..." followed by the verses on taqwa (an-Nisa' 4:1, Ali 'Imran 3:102, al-Ahzab 33:70-71). It is recommended before the khitbah and before the marriage contract. The sermon need not be long; praise of Allah, blessings on the Prophet, a reminder of taqwa, and then stating the purpose is enough: "We have come to ask for your daughter's hand for our son." It is not a condition of a valid proposal. At Malay gatherings this is often done by a family representative or an imam.
Scholars mention the khutbah al-hajah taught by the Prophet ﷺ for important matters, which begins with "Innal-hamda lillah..." followed by the verses on taqwa (an-Nisa' 4:1, Ali 'Imran 3:102, al-Ahzab 33:70-71). It is recommended before the khitbah and before the marriage contract. The sermon need not be long; praise of Allah, blessings on the Prophet, a reminder of taqwa, and then stating the purpose is enough: "We have come to ask for your daughter's hand for our son." It is not a condition of a valid proposal. At Malay gatherings this is often done by a family representative or an imam.
Surah an-Nisa' 4:1Surah Ali 'Imran 3:102Surah al-Ahzab 33:70-71Narrated by Abu Dawud (sahih), khutbah al-hajah
36Is it necessary to use an intermediary or representative to propose?
It is not obligatory, but using a trustworthy intermediary greatly helps protect the dignity of both sides.
An intermediary can convey the intention, carry the biodata, ask sensitive questions and convey a refusal without embarrassing anyone. Khadijah r.a. used an intermediary before her marriage to the Prophet ﷺ, and Umar r.a. offered Hafsah directly to trusted Companions. Choose an intermediary who is honest, keeps confidences and has no vested interest. They must convey information truthfully, without excessive praise or hiding important shortcomings. In Malay custom, the proposal delegation is usually led by respected relatives. See khitbah.
An intermediary can convey the intention, carry the biodata, ask sensitive questions and convey a refusal without embarrassing anyone. Khadijah r.a. used an intermediary before her marriage to the Prophet ﷺ, and Umar r.a. offered Hafsah directly to trusted Companions. Choose an intermediary who is honest, keeps confidences and has no vested interest. They must convey information truthfully, without excessive praise or hiding important shortcomings. In Malay custom, the proposal delegation is usually led by respected relatives. See khitbah.
Surah al-Qasas 28:26-27Sahih Muslim, Kitab at-Talaq
37Is an engagement ceremony sunnah or custom? May it be held on a grand scale?
An engagement ceremony is a permissible custom, not a specific sunnah; what is recommended is the walimah after the contract.
Islam permits customs ('uruf) that do not conflict with the Shariah, such as the proposal delegation, the betel-leaf tray (tepak sirih) and the groom's mother placing the ring. However, an engagement ceremony is not obligatory and may be kept simple. Avoid extravagance, going into debt merely for show, free mixing, physical contact between the couple, and photo sessions that breach the limits of modesty (ʿawrah). Some families choose only a small family meeting and go straight to setting the wedding date; that is also good. Save money for more important things such as the mahr, housing and starting the household. See khitbah.
Islam permits customs ('uruf) that do not conflict with the Shariah, such as the proposal delegation, the betel-leaf tray (tepak sirih) and the groom's mother placing the ring. However, an engagement ceremony is not obligatory and may be kept simple. Avoid extravagance, going into debt merely for show, free mixing, physical contact between the couple, and photo sessions that breach the limits of modesty (ʿawrah). Some families choose only a small family meeting and go straight to setting the wedding date; that is also good. Save money for more important things such as the mahr, housing and starting the household. See khitbah.
Surah al-Isra' 17:26-27Surah al-A'raf 7:31
38May one give gifts to one's fiancé(e)? Do the gifts count as mahr?
Giving gifts to one's fiancé(e) is permitted, and they do not count as mahr unless stated to be so.
Gifts strengthen the bond of affection between the two families. The mahr, by contrast, is the wife's right stated or fixed in the marriage contract. So a ring, hantaran items or gifts during the engagement are ordinary gifts, unless both sides clearly agree to make them part of the mahr. To avoid disputes if the engagement is broken off, record what was given, its value and its status (gift or advance on the mahr). Avoid gifts that are too expensive or that lead to free mixing. See khitbah and mahr & hantaran.
Gifts strengthen the bond of affection between the two families. The mahr, by contrast, is the wife's right stated or fixed in the marriage contract. So a ring, hantaran items or gifts during the engagement are ordinary gifts, unless both sides clearly agree to make them part of the mahr. To avoid disputes if the engagement is broken off, record what was given, its value and its status (gift or advance on the mahr). Avoid gifts that are too expensive or that lead to free mixing. See khitbah and mahr & hantaran.
Surah an-Nisa' 4:4Narrated by al-Bukhari in al-Adab al-Mufrad (hasan): 'Exchange gifts'
39May a man wear a gold engagement ring?
No; Muslim men are forbidden to wear gold rings, including engagement or wedding rings.
Ibn Abbas r.a. narrated that the Prophet ﷺ saw a gold ring on a man's hand, removed it and said that it was like a burning coal from Hell. The Prophet ﷺ also said that gold and silk are lawful for the women of his ummah and forbidden for its men. Men may wear silver rings, or rings of other metals such as titanium or platinum according to many contemporary scholars. The custom of exchanging rings is itself permissible, but the ring should be put on by a mahram family member, not by the fiancé. The bride-to-be may wear a gold ring.
Ibn Abbas r.a. narrated that the Prophet ﷺ saw a gold ring on a man's hand, removed it and said that it was like a burning coal from Hell. The Prophet ﷺ also said that gold and silk are lawful for the women of his ummah and forbidden for its men. Men may wear silver rings, or rings of other metals such as titanium or platinum according to many contemporary scholars. The custom of exchanging rings is itself permissible, but the ring should be put on by a mahram family member, not by the fiancé. The bride-to-be may wear a gold ring.
Sahih Muslim, Kitab al-Libas wa az-ZinahNarrated by at-Tirmidhi and an-Nasa'i (sahih): gold and silk are lawful for women, forbidden for men
40If a fiancé(e) dies before the marriage, what is the status of the gifts, mahr and ʿiddah?
No ʿiddah, no inheritance and no marital relationship, because the contract has not taken place.
A fiancé(e) is not a wife or husband, so the one left behind need not observe ʿiddah, does not inherit, and has no right to mahr. If any mahr money had been handed over, it is returned to the giver or their heirs. Gifts that were fully handed over usually remain the recipient's property, unless there is a different agreement or custom ('uruf); it is best settled amicably between the two families. A grieving fiancé(e) may mourn and pray, but is not subject to the mourning restrictions (ihdad) of a widow. See faraid.
A fiancé(e) is not a wife or husband, so the one left behind need not observe ʿiddah, does not inherit, and has no right to mahr. If any mahr money had been handed over, it is returned to the giver or their heirs. Gifts that were fully handed over usually remain the recipient's property, unless there is a different agreement or custom ('uruf); it is best settled amicably between the two families. A grieving fiancé(e) may mourn and pray, but is not subject to the mourning restrictions (ihdad) of a widow. See faraid.
Surah al-Baqarah 2:234Surah an-Nisa' 4:12
41We have been engaged a long time and fear falling into sin. May we marry first and hold the ceremony later?
Yes, and it is often better than prolonging the engagement.
A marriage contract that fulfils the pillars and is lawfully registered does not require a big ceremony. A couple can hold the contract at the religious affairs office or a mosque, then postpone the walimah until they can afford it. After the contract, they are lawfully husband and wife with all the rights and responsibilities, including maintenance, even if they may not yet live together because of studies or work. Discuss clearly beforehand: when to live together, maintenance while apart, and what happens if there is a divorce before living together. Never marry secretly or without registration. See walimah and maintenance (nafkah).
A marriage contract that fulfils the pillars and is lawfully registered does not require a big ceremony. A couple can hold the contract at the religious affairs office or a mosque, then postpone the walimah until they can afford it. After the contract, they are lawfully husband and wife with all the rights and responsibilities, including maintenance, even if they may not yet live together because of studies or work. Discuss clearly beforehand: when to live together, maintenance while apart, and what happens if there is a divorce before living together. Never marry secretly or without registration. See walimah and maintenance (nafkah).
Surah an-Nur 24:32Surah al-Isra' 17:32
42May we have a 'pre-wedding' photo session during the engagement?
A pre-wedding photo session involving touching, being alone together or uncovered ʿawrah is not permitted because the couple are not yet married.
Most pre-wedding sessions involve holding hands, embracing or intimate poses, while an engaged couple are still not mahram. If you still want one, make sure: clothing covers the ʿawrah, there is no touching, a mahram or family member is present, and the poses are modest. A safer alternative is to hold the photo session after the marriage contract ('post-wedding'), when all of that is lawful. Also consider the consequences of spreading photos on social media if the engagement is later broken off. See khitbah.
Most pre-wedding sessions involve holding hands, embracing or intimate poses, while an engaged couple are still not mahram. If you still want one, make sure: clothing covers the ʿawrah, there is no touching, a mahram or family member is present, and the poses are modest. A safer alternative is to hold the photo session after the marriage contract ('post-wedding'), when all of that is lawful. Also consider the consequences of spreading photos on social media if the engagement is later broken off. See khitbah.
Surah an-Nur 24:30-31Sahih al-Bukhari 5233
43May we get engaged on our own without our parents' knowledge?
A promise to marry between two people is not forbidden, but hiding it from the wali and family is unwise and contrary to the purpose of khitbah.
In the Shafi'i school, a woman's marriage is not valid without a wali, so the family must be involved in the end anyway. Secret engagements often lead to unsupervised meetings, promises that cannot be kept, and conflict with the family. Involve the wali and parents from the start; if they object, listen to their reasons and ask a respected third party to mediate. If the wali refuses without a Shariah reason, there is a wali hakim procedure through the court. Never opt for a secret or cross-border marriage without registration. See counselling.
In the Shafi'i school, a woman's marriage is not valid without a wali, so the family must be involved in the end anyway. Secret engagements often lead to unsupervised meetings, promises that cannot be kept, and conflict with the family. Involve the wali and parents from the start; if they object, listen to their reasons and ask a respected third party to mediate. If the wali refuses without a Shariah reason, there is a wali hakim procedure through the court. Never opt for a secret or cross-border marriage without registration. See counselling.
Narrated by Abu Dawud and at-Tirmidhi (sahih): 'There is no marriage except with a wali'Surah al-Isra' 17:23
44What is the ruling on using matchmaking apps or online ta'aruf?
Permissible if used to look for a spouse in a way that observes the limits of the Shariah and safety.
An app is only a tool; its ruling depends on how it is used. Use it to share basic biodata and identify candidates, then involve the wali or family as soon as possible. Avoid prolonged private conversations, photos that do not cover the ʿawrah, and meeting alone. Beware of love scams: do not transfer money, do not share personal photos or documents, and verify identity through a chaperoned video call and family meetings. Women should also confirm the man's true marital status. See criteria.
An app is only a tool; its ruling depends on how it is used. Use it to share basic biodata and identify candidates, then involve the wali or family as soon as possible. Avoid prolonged private conversations, photos that do not cover the ʿawrah, and meeting alone. Beware of love scams: do not transfer money, do not share personal photos or documents, and verify identity through a chaperoned video call and family meetings. Women should also confirm the man's true marital status. See criteria.
Surah an-Nur 24:30-31Sahih Muslim, Kitab at-Talaq
45My heart is not at peace after istikharah. May I break off the engagement?
Yes, if the doubt is serious and persistent, but weigh it against the facts and the advice of people you trust.
Istikharah is not merely waiting for a feeling; scholars explain that Allah eases the good path and turns one away from the bad. Unease may come from ordinary nerves before marriage, or from real signs such as questionable character. Repeat the istikharah, ask people who know your fiancé(e) (istisyarah), and discuss with your parents. If the decision to break off is made, do it promptly and courteously, because delay adds to the loss on both sides. Settle the return of gifts and expenses fairly. See khitbah (proposal).
Istikharah is not merely waiting for a feeling; scholars explain that Allah eases the good path and turns one away from the bad. Unease may come from ordinary nerves before marriage, or from real signs such as questionable character. Repeat the istikharah, ask people who know your fiancé(e) (istisyarah), and discuss with your parents. If the decision to break off is made, do it promptly and courteously, because delay adds to the loss on both sides. Settle the return of gifts and expenses fairly. See khitbah (proposal).
Sahih al-Bukhari 1166Act 303, s.15
46The woman has already been proposed to but has not yet answered. May I propose to her too?
In the Shafi'i school, yes, as long as the first proposal has not been clearly accepted.
The prohibition on proposing over another's proposal applies once the first proposal has been agreed to. If the woman or her wali is still considering it, or has already declined, another proposal is permitted. The evidence is the hadith of Fatimah bint Qais, who was proposed to by Mu'awiyah and Abu Jahm, and the Prophet ﷺ suggested Usamah without blaming anyone. Even so, good manners mean not speaking ill of the first suitor and not pressuring the woman's family. If it is known that the family are already inclined to accept, it is better to wait. See khitbah.
The prohibition on proposing over another's proposal applies once the first proposal has been agreed to. If the woman or her wali is still considering it, or has already declined, another proposal is permitted. The evidence is the hadith of Fatimah bint Qais, who was proposed to by Mu'awiyah and Abu Jahm, and the Prophet ﷺ suggested Usamah without blaming anyone. Even so, good manners mean not speaking ill of the first suitor and not pressuring the woman's family. If it is known that the family are already inclined to accept, it is better to wait. See khitbah.
Difference of madhhab. Some Hanbali and Maliki scholars also forbid it when the woman's side is already inclined to accept, even if this has not been stated clearly.
Sahih Muslim, Kitab at-TalaqSahih al-Bukhari 5142Sahih Muslim, Kitab an-Nikah
47May I look at my prospective wife more than once?
One may look again as far as needed to make a decision, but no more than that.
Scholars of the Shafi'i school permit looking more than once if the first look was not enough to judge, because the aim is certainty before marriage. Once the decision has been made, this permission ends and the basic ruling of lowering the gaze applies again. The Prophet ﷺ told Jarir to turn his gaze away when it fell on someone unintentionally, and a deliberate look without need is not permitted. So after the engagement, there is no longer any reason to "look" in the name of khitbah. The look must be without desire, with a chaperone and without seclusion (khalwat). See khitbah.
Scholars of the Shafi'i school permit looking more than once if the first look was not enough to judge, because the aim is certainty before marriage. Once the decision has been made, this permission ends and the basic ruling of lowering the gaze applies again. The Prophet ﷺ told Jarir to turn his gaze away when it fell on someone unintentionally, and a deliberate look without need is not permitted. So after the engagement, there is no longer any reason to "look" in the name of khitbah. The look must be without desire, with a chaperone and without seclusion (khalwat). See khitbah.
Sahih Muslim, Kitab al-AdabSurah an-Nur 24:30Sunan at-Tirmidhi 1087 (hasan)
48A married man wants to do ta'aruf with me for polygyny. What should I ask?
Ask about the things that determine fairness and stability: his means, the existing wife's knowledge, and how it will be put into practice.
Important questions include: Has the first wife been told? Will he apply for the Syariah Court's permission, and when? What are his current income and dependants? How will the rotation of nights, separate accommodation and maintenance be arranged? Why does he want to take another wife? Involve your wali in the conversation and ask to meet his family. Avoid vague promises or suggestions to marry abroad without permission, as that can be an offence and harm your rights. Allah makes fairness a condition; if you fear you will not be fair, then one is enough (an-Nisa' 4:3). See conditions and prospective second wife.
Important questions include: Has the first wife been told? Will he apply for the Syariah Court's permission, and when? What are his current income and dependants? How will the rotation of nights, separate accommodation and maintenance be arranged? Why does he want to take another wife? Involve your wali in the conversation and ask to meet his family. Avoid vague promises or suggestions to marry abroad without permission, as that can be an offence and harm your rights. Allah makes fairness a condition; if you fear you will not be fair, then one is enough (an-Nisa' 4:3). See conditions and prospective second wife.
49My fiancé(e) has been found cheating or has changed. What should I do?
You have the right to end the engagement; this counts as a valid reason, and it is better that it happens before the contract.
An engagement is a period of assessment, and early signs such as cheating, harshness, excessive control, lying or neglecting prayer are serious warnings. Do not assume marriage will change them. Discuss it with your wali and family, gather the facts, and decide calmly after istikharah. If you end it because of his or her wrongdoing, you are not regarded as breaking a promise without cause, and the question of gifts and expenses can be negotiated or taken to the Syariah Court. Do not expose their faults on social media. If there are threats or harassment, report them to the authorities. See counselling.
An engagement is a period of assessment, and early signs such as cheating, harshness, excessive control, lying or neglecting prayer are serious warnings. Do not assume marriage will change them. Discuss it with your wali and family, gather the facts, and decide calmly after istikharah. If you end it because of his or her wrongdoing, you are not regarded as breaking a promise without cause, and the question of gifts and expenses can be negotiated or taken to the Syariah Court. Do not expose their faults on social media. If there are threats or harassment, report them to the authorities. See counselling.
Act 303, s.15Surah al-Hujurat 49:12
50What is merisik and what is its etiquette?
Merisik is the first step of asking informally whether a woman is still free and willing to receive a proposal.
In Malay custom, a representative of the man's family comes to ask about the woman's status (not yet spoken for, not yet proposed to), her family background and her willingness. In Shariah terms, merisik is in line with the advice to make sure the woman is not under another man's proposal, not in her ʿiddah, and suitable in terms of religion and character. Its etiquette: send a respected representative, converse politely, do not press for an immediate answer, and keep the findings confidential if it does not go ahead. If the outcome is positive, then the formal proposal is made. See khitbah.
In Malay custom, a representative of the man's family comes to ask about the woman's status (not yet spoken for, not yet proposed to), her family background and her willingness. In Shariah terms, merisik is in line with the advice to make sure the woman is not under another man's proposal, not in her ʿiddah, and suitable in terms of religion and character. Its etiquette: send a respected representative, converse politely, do not press for an immediate answer, and keep the findings confidential if it does not go ahead. If the outcome is positive, then the formal proposal is made. See khitbah.
Sahih al-Bukhari 5142Surah al-Baqarah 2:235
51Can enquiring (merisik), proposing and the engagement be done together at one event to save costs?
Yes. The Shariah only requires a clear proposal and consent; holding merisik, the proposal and the engagement at separate events is a custom, not a religious obligation.
In Islam, khitbah is a request to marry accepted by the woman and her guardian; the Prophet ﷺ himself proposed simply, through a representative. Merisik aims to make sure the woman is not already promised to someone and is suitable, and this can be confirmed earlier through family conversations or a phone call. Many Malaysian families now combine all three in one visit: enquiring, stating the intention, agreeing on the length of the engagement, the hantaran and the date, and putting on the ring by the mother or a female relative. Make sure both families agree to the simpler approach so no one feels slighted. The money saved is better spent on starting the household. See the etiquette of merisik and Proposal (khitbah).
In Islam, khitbah is a request to marry accepted by the woman and her guardian; the Prophet ﷺ himself proposed simply, through a representative. Merisik aims to make sure the woman is not already promised to someone and is suitable, and this can be confirmed earlier through family conversations or a phone call. Many Malaysian families now combine all three in one visit: enquiring, stating the intention, agreeing on the length of the engagement, the hantaran and the date, and putting on the ring by the mother or a female relative. Make sure both families agree to the simpler approach so no one feels slighted. The money saved is better spent on starting the household. See the etiquette of merisik and Proposal (khitbah).
Surah al-Baqarah 2:235Surah al-Furqan 25:67Jami' at-Tirmidhi 1084 (hasan)
52The bride's family is asking for a very high hantaran. How can it be negotiated well?
The hantaran is a custom, not a pillar of marriage; it can be negotiated politely, and Islam encourages making marriage easy.
The Prophet ﷺ told families to accept a suitor of good faith and character, for otherwise there will be trial and corruption (Jamiʿ at-Tirmidhi 1084). The mahr is the woman's obligatory right (an-Nisa' 4:4), while the hantaran is a customary gift towards the cost of the wedding. How to negotiate: send a respected representative; explain your real means and your financial plans after marriage; suggest a reasonable amount or a smaller event; and avoid taking a personal loan just for the hantaran. The bride's side should judge a suitor by faith, character and ability to provide, not by the size of the hantaran. The bride-to-be can help persuade her family. See the difference between mahr and hantaran.
The Prophet ﷺ told families to accept a suitor of good faith and character, for otherwise there will be trial and corruption (Jamiʿ at-Tirmidhi 1084). The mahr is the woman's obligatory right (an-Nisa' 4:4), while the hantaran is a customary gift towards the cost of the wedding. How to negotiate: send a respected representative; explain your real means and your financial plans after marriage; suggest a reasonable amount or a smaller event; and avoid taking a personal loan just for the hantaran. The bride's side should judge a suitor by faith, character and ability to provide, not by the size of the hantaran. The bride-to-be can help persuade her family. See the difference between mahr and hantaran.
Jami' at-Tirmidhi 1084 (hasan)Surah an-Nisa' 4:4Surah al-Furqan 25:67
53We are engaged but live far apart or in different countries. How do we keep the relationship going, and what are the limits?
Communication about the marriage is allowed with good manners, but avoid excessive private conversations late at night; involve the families and plan a realistic wedding date.
A fiancé(e) is still not a mahram, and Allah forbids approaching zina by any route (al-Isra' 17:32). Distance does not remove the risk, since video calls and private messages can become "being alone together" online. Suggestions: set the purpose of conversations — preparing for married life, money, where to live, work; let family members know or occasionally join; do not share photos that do not cover the aurat; and avoid an overly long engagement. If one of you will move country after marriage, discuss visas, work and registering the marriage early. See the question on engaged couples talking by phone and Marrying abroad.
A fiancé(e) is still not a mahram, and Allah forbids approaching zina by any route (al-Isra' 17:32). Distance does not remove the risk, since video calls and private messages can become "being alone together" online. Suggestions: set the purpose of conversations — preparing for married life, money, where to live, work; let family members know or occasionally join; do not share photos that do not cover the aurat; and avoid an overly long engagement. If one of you will move country after marriage, discuss visas, work and registering the marriage early. See the question on engaged couples talking by phone and Marrying abroad.
Surah al-Isra' 17:32Sahih al-Bukhari 5233Surah an-Nur 24:30
54My fiancé(e) keeps asking for money or expensive gifts before the wedding. Should I be worried?
Yes, it can be a warning sign; repeated requests for money before marriage, especially with various emergency stories, need careful assessment.
An engagement does not yet create any duty of maintenance; gifts are gifts, not rights that can be demanded. Allah forbids consuming others' wealth unjustly (an-Nisa' 4:29) and tells us to verify news before acting (al-Hujurat 49:6). Warning signs: unwillingness to meet the family, emergency stories that keep changing, pressure to keep the gifts secret, or a relationship that began online with someone you have never met. Romance scams often begin this way. Talk to your family, ask for a meeting with the guardian present, and do not transfer money you cannot afford to lose. If you suspect fraud, report it to the police. See Romance scams.
An engagement does not yet create any duty of maintenance; gifts are gifts, not rights that can be demanded. Allah forbids consuming others' wealth unjustly (an-Nisa' 4:29) and tells us to verify news before acting (al-Hujurat 49:6). Warning signs: unwillingness to meet the family, emergency stories that keep changing, pressure to keep the gifts secret, or a relationship that began online with someone you have never met. Romance scams often begin this way. Talk to your family, ask for a meeting with the guardian present, and do not transfer money you cannot afford to lose. If you suspect fraud, report it to the police. See Romance scams.
Surah an-Nisa' 4:29Surah al-Hujurat 49:6Surah al-Baqarah 2:188
55I am engaged to a divorcee or widow(er) who has children. What should be prepared before the marriage?
Get to know the children gradually, understand the custody and maintenance arrangements with the former spouse, and discuss your role clearly before the wedding.
The Prophet ﷺ himself married several widows with children, and caring for stepchildren counts as a great kindness. Things to discuss: who holds custody and the visiting schedule; that the children's maintenance remains their natural father's responsibility; the mahram status of stepchildren after the marriage (an-Nisa' 4:23); where you will live; and how discipline will work. Respect the former spouse as the children's mother or father. Do not expect the children to accept you quickly; give them time. Also make sure your fiancé(e)'s divorce has been registered and, for a woman, that her ʿiddah has ended before the contract. See Remarriage.
The Prophet ﷺ himself married several widows with children, and caring for stepchildren counts as a great kindness. Things to discuss: who holds custody and the visiting schedule; that the children's maintenance remains their natural father's responsibility; the mahram status of stepchildren after the marriage (an-Nisa' 4:23); where you will live; and how discipline will work. Respect the former spouse as the children's mother or father. Do not expect the children to accept you quickly; give them time. Also make sure your fiancé(e)'s divorce has been registered and, for a woman, that her ʿiddah has ended before the contract. See Remarriage.
Surah an-Nisa' 4:23Surah al-Baqarah 2:233Surah al-Baqarah 2:235
56During the engagement we agreed the wife would keep working and on where we would live. Can these conditions be included in the marriage contract?
They can be recorded as an agreement or an additional taʿliq if they do not conflict with the Shariah; but their effect depends on how they are written and accepted by the state religious office.
The Prophet ﷺ said that the conditions most deserving of fulfilment are those by which marriage is made lawful, that is, conditions in a marriage (Sahih al-Bukhari 2721). Conditions consistent with the purpose of marriage, such as the wife being allowed to continue her career or not being moved far from her frail parents, are accepted by many scholars. A condition that makes the forbidden lawful is invalid. In Malaysia, the usual way is an additional taʿliq or a written, witnessed agreement; ask the state religious office about the accepted format. Discuss clearly, write it down, and keep a copy. See Conditions in the contract and additional taʿliq.
The Prophet ﷺ said that the conditions most deserving of fulfilment are those by which marriage is made lawful, that is, conditions in a marriage (Sahih al-Bukhari 2721). Conditions consistent with the purpose of marriage, such as the wife being allowed to continue her career or not being moved far from her frail parents, are accepted by many scholars. A condition that makes the forbidden lawful is invalid. In Malaysia, the usual way is an additional taʿliq or a written, witnessed agreement; ask the state religious office about the accepted format. Discuss clearly, write it down, and keep a copy. See Conditions in the contract and additional taʿliq.
Sahih al-Bukhari 2721Surah al-Ma'idah 5:1Surah al-Isra' 17:34
57My marriage proposals have been turned down again and again. How should I cope, and what should I improve?
A rejected proposal is not a rejection of your worth; marriage partners are decreed by Allah, and every "no" can be a chance to improve yourself and the way you propose.
Allah says: perhaps you dislike something while it is good for you (al-Baqarah 2:216). A woman and her guardian have the right to refuse, and that is better than accepting unwillingly. Helpful self-reflection: are you proposing to someone suitable in faith, age, background and expectations; are your financial and career preparations reasonable; are you proposing through a respected representative? Ask a mediator for honest feedback. Keep improving your faith, character and skills, pray, and perform istikharah. Avoid proposing in haste because of family pressure or age. If the disappointment is very heavy, talk to a counsellor. See the question on finding a spouse late.
Allah says: perhaps you dislike something while it is good for you (al-Baqarah 2:216). A woman and her guardian have the right to refuse, and that is better than accepting unwillingly. Helpful self-reflection: are you proposing to someone suitable in faith, age, background and expectations; are your financial and career preparations reasonable; are you proposing through a respected representative? Ask a mediator for honest feedback. Keep improving your faith, character and skills, pray, and perform istikharah. Avoid proposing in haste because of family pressure or age. If the disappointment is very heavy, talk to a counsellor. See the question on finding a spouse late.
Surah al-Baqarah 2:216Jami' at-Tirmidhi 1084 (hasan)Sahih al-Bukhari 1166
58We are afraid of falling into zina during our engagement. Should the wedding date be brought forward?
Yes, if both are able, bringing the marriage forward is the solution the Shariah recommends; a big reception can be held later.
The Prophet ﷺ urged young people who are able to marry, because it lowers the gaze and guards chastity, and those not yet able to fast (Sahih al-Bukhari 5066). Allah also forbids approaching zina (al-Isra' 17:32). Many Malaysian couples choose a simple marriage contract at the religious office or mosque first, then the wedding reception when the money is ready. Discuss the reason honestly with both families. While waiting: reduce meeting alone, avoid private conversations late at night, and keep busy with useful preparation such as the pre-marriage course. See the question on marrying first and celebrating later.
The Prophet ﷺ urged young people who are able to marry, because it lowers the gaze and guards chastity, and those not yet able to fast (Sahih al-Bukhari 5066). Allah also forbids approaching zina (al-Isra' 17:32). Many Malaysian couples choose a simple marriage contract at the religious office or mosque first, then the wedding reception when the money is ready. Discuss the reason honestly with both families. While waiting: reduce meeting alone, avoid private conversations late at night, and keep busy with useful preparation such as the pre-marriage course. See the question on marrying first and celebrating later.
Sahih al-Bukhari 5066Surah al-Isra' 17:32Surah an-Nur 24:32
59I want to get engaged to a non-Muslim who has promised to embrace Islam. What should be considered?
The marriage is only valid after they have genuinely embraced Islam; make sure the conversion is sincere and understood, not merely a condition for marriage, and allow time to learn.
Allah forbids marrying men or women who associate partners with Him until they believe (al-Baqarah 2:221). In Malaysia, a Muslim woman cannot marry a non-Muslim, and conversion must be registered with the state religious authority. Things to consider: do they understand the basics of belief, prayer and the Islamic way of life; how will their family react; and how will you support them after marriage? Conversion only for marriage sometimes ends in major conflict, including over child custody if the couple separates. Bring them to classes for converts and connect them with a religious outreach officer. See Interfaith matters.
Allah forbids marrying men or women who associate partners with Him until they believe (al-Baqarah 2:221). In Malaysia, a Muslim woman cannot marry a non-Muslim, and conversion must be registered with the state religious authority. Things to consider: do they understand the basics of belief, prayer and the Islamic way of life; how will their family react; and how will you support them after marriage? Conversion only for marriage sometimes ends in major conflict, including over child custody if the couple separates. Bring them to classes for converts and connect them with a religious outreach officer. See Interfaith matters.
Surah al-Baqarah 2:221Surah al-Baqarah 2:256Surah al-Mumtahanah 60:10
60During the engagement, my future in-laws show signs of disliking me. What should I do?
Stay respectful and patient, give time for getting to know one another, and ask your fiancé(e) to be the bridge; do not quarrel or take the issue public.
Allah tells us to repel evil with good until the one at enmity becomes like a friend (Fussilat 41:34). Common causes: parents worried about losing their child, differences in background, or misunderstandings at the first meeting. Steps: find out their real concerns through your fiancé(e); show commitment and responsibility; visit together with your family, bring gifts and respect their customs. Your fiancé(e) should tell their parents politely that the choice was made maturely. If the rejection is very harsh and persistent, discuss honestly whether the marriage can succeed in that atmosphere, and seek advice from a counsellor or mediator. See In-laws.
Allah tells us to repel evil with good until the one at enmity becomes like a friend (Fussilat 41:34). Common causes: parents worried about losing their child, differences in background, or misunderstandings at the first meeting. Steps: find out their real concerns through your fiancé(e); show commitment and responsibility; visit together with your family, bring gifts and respect their customs. Your fiancé(e) should tell their parents politely that the choice was made maturely. If the rejection is very harsh and persistent, discuss honestly whether the marriage can succeed in that atmosphere, and seek advice from a counsellor or mediator. See In-laws.
Surah Fussilat 41:34Surah al-Isra' 17:23Surah an-Nahl 16:125
61As the wedding day approaches I suddenly feel doubt and fear. Is this normal, or a sign I should withdraw?
Nerves and doubt before a wedding are common; what needs distinguishing is fear of a big change versus well-founded doubts about the future spouse's character or safety.
Allah teaches trusting in Him after making a firm decision (Al ʿImran 3:159), and the Prophet ﷺ taught the istikharah prayer for important matters (Sahih al-Bukhari 1166). Helpful questions: are these doubts about yourself (responsibility, freedom, money), or about specific things in your fiancé(e) such as not praying, a bad temper, lying, excessive control or violence? The first usually eases with preparation and discussion; the second must be taken seriously even if wedding preparations are far along. Talk to someone you trust or a counsellor. Breaking off an engagement is lighter than a marriage that puts you in danger. See the question on istikharah and ending an engagement.
Allah teaches trusting in Him after making a firm decision (Al ʿImran 3:159), and the Prophet ﷺ taught the istikharah prayer for important matters (Sahih al-Bukhari 1166). Helpful questions: are these doubts about yourself (responsibility, freedom, money), or about specific things in your fiancé(e) such as not praying, a bad temper, lying, excessive control or violence? The first usually eases with preparation and discussion; the second must be taken seriously even if wedding preparations are far along. Talk to someone you trust or a counsellor. Breaking off an engagement is lighter than a marriage that puts you in danger. See the question on istikharah and ending an engagement.
Surah Ali 'Imran 3:159Sahih al-Bukhari 1166Surah al-Baqarah 2:216
62We crossed the line during our engagement. What should we do now?
Repent sincerely, stop at once, and hasten the marriage contract; do not despair of Allah's mercy.
Allah says: O My servants who have transgressed against themselves, do not despair of the mercy of Allah; Allah forgives all sins (az-Zumar 39:53). Repentance means regret, stopping and resolving never to return. The sin need not be made public; Allah loves the servant who conceals his fault and repents. If a pregnancy results, marriage to that man is valid according to the Shafi'i school, but the child's lineage depends on how long after the contract the birth occurs; ask the religious office about registration. Get a health check if needed. It may also be an offence under the state Syariah criminal enactment. See the question on a birth soon after marriage and the question on marrying a pregnant woman.
Allah says: O My servants who have transgressed against themselves, do not despair of the mercy of Allah; Allah forgives all sins (az-Zumar 39:53). Repentance means regret, stopping and resolving never to return. The sin need not be made public; Allah loves the servant who conceals his fault and repents. If a pregnancy results, marriage to that man is valid according to the Shafi'i school, but the child's lineage depends on how long after the contract the birth occurs; ask the religious office about registration. Get a health check if needed. It may also be an offence under the state Syariah criminal enactment. See the question on a birth soon after marriage and the question on marrying a pregnant woman.
Surah az-Zumar 39:53Surah al-Furqan 25:70Surah al-Isra' 17:32
63Some say certain months or days are bad for getting married. Is that true?
There is no unlucky month or day for marriage in Islam; beliefs about ill-omened dates have no basis in the texts.
ʿAisha r.a. said the Prophet ﷺ married her in Shawwal and consummated the marriage in Shawwal, and she liked women to be married in Shawwal — because the people of the pre-Islamic era regarded Shawwal as unlucky (Sahih Muslim, Kitab an-Nikah). The Prophet ﷺ also rejected belief in evil omens (tiyarah) (Sahih al-Bukhari 5776). Choose a date on practical grounds: family holidays, financial readiness, the venue and the religious office's schedule. The only time-related prohibitions are concluding the contract while in ihram, and marrying a woman during her ʿiddah. Friday or particular months carry no special merit that must be pursued. See Myths & facts.
ʿAisha r.a. said the Prophet ﷺ married her in Shawwal and consummated the marriage in Shawwal, and she liked women to be married in Shawwal — because the people of the pre-Islamic era regarded Shawwal as unlucky (Sahih Muslim, Kitab an-Nikah). The Prophet ﷺ also rejected belief in evil omens (tiyarah) (Sahih al-Bukhari 5776). Choose a date on practical grounds: family holidays, financial readiness, the venue and the religious office's schedule. The only time-related prohibitions are concluding the contract while in ihram, and marrying a woman during her ʿiddah. Friday or particular months carry no special merit that must be pursued. See Myths & facts.
Sahih Muslim, Kitab an-NikahSahih al-Bukhari 5776Surah at-Taubah 9:51
64An engaged man gives his fiancée a monthly allowance. Is this obligatory, or counted as maintenance?
It is neither obligatory nor maintenance; maintenance only becomes due after the marriage contract. Money given during an engagement counts as a gift, and its status if the engagement ends depends on custom and agreement.
Maintenance is tied to marriage, as Allah obliges a husband to provide for his wife according to his means (at-Talaq 65:7). Gifts during an engagement are valid and can strengthen the bond, but they can also create a sense of obligation or pressure to continue the engagement. If the engagement is broken, Act 303 s.15 allows a claim for the return of gifts or their value, and compensation in certain cases. It is better for the man to save that money for setting up the home. If he gives it anyway, record the amount and the intention. See the question on returning gifts.
Maintenance is tied to marriage, as Allah obliges a husband to provide for his wife according to his means (at-Talaq 65:7). Gifts during an engagement are valid and can strengthen the bond, but they can also create a sense of obligation or pressure to continue the engagement. If the engagement is broken, Act 303 s.15 allows a claim for the return of gifts or their value, and compensation in certain cases. It is better for the man to save that money for setting up the home. If he gives it anyway, record the amount and the intention. See the question on returning gifts.
65How can I get to know my fiancé(e)'s real character before it is too late?
Watch how they treat others and behave under pressure, because true character shows most clearly in anger, disappointment and dealings with money.
The Prophet ﷺ told families to accept a suitor whose faith and character they are pleased with (Jamiʿ at-Tirmidhi 1084), and ʿUmar r.a. is known for judging people by living with them, travelling with them and dealing with them in money. Things to watch: how they speak to their mother, siblings, waiters and workers; whether they keep promises and time; how they react when you say "no"; whether they control your clothes, friends or phone; and how they handle debt. Ask people who have known them a long time — this is permitted and is not backbiting. Warning signs such as extreme jealousy, threats or violence will not disappear with marriage. See the question on checking a background.
The Prophet ﷺ told families to accept a suitor whose faith and character they are pleased with (Jamiʿ at-Tirmidhi 1084), and ʿUmar r.a. is known for judging people by living with them, travelling with them and dealing with them in money. Things to watch: how they speak to their mother, siblings, waiters and workers; whether they keep promises and time; how they react when you say "no"; whether they control your clothes, friends or phone; and how they handle debt. Ask people who have known them a long time — this is permitted and is not backbiting. Warning signs such as extreme jealousy, threats or violence will not disappear with marriage. See the question on checking a background.
Jami' at-Tirmidhi 1084 (hasan)Surah al-Hujurat 49:6Surah al-Qasas 28:26
66My parents "engaged" me to a cousin when I was a child. Am I bound by that agreement?
No. Marriage requires your consent as an adult; a family promise made in childhood is only a wish, not a contract.
The Prophet ﷺ said that a previously married woman is not married off until she is consulted and a virgin is not married off until her permission is sought (Sahih al-Bukhari 5136), and he annulled the marriage of a woman whose father married her off against her will (Sahih al-Bukhari 5138). Malaysian law also requires the consent of both parties (Act 303 s.13). If you do not agree, say so respectfully to your parents and, if needed, through a respected mediator, so that family relations are not damaged. If you do agree, a formal engagement can take place when both are adults and ready. See the question on forced marriage.
The Prophet ﷺ said that a previously married woman is not married off until she is consulted and a virgin is not married off until her permission is sought (Sahih al-Bukhari 5136), and he annulled the marriage of a woman whose father married her off against her will (Sahih al-Bukhari 5138). Malaysian law also requires the consent of both parties (Act 303 s.13). If you do not agree, say so respectfully to your parents and, if needed, through a respected mediator, so that family relations are not damaged. If you do agree, a formal engagement can take place when both are adults and ready. See the question on forced marriage.
67I am engaged but have fallen for someone else. What should I do?
End contact with the other person first, then judge honestly whether you want to continue the engagement; if not, end it in a kind and responsible way.
The Prophet ﷺ forbade proposing over a brother's proposal (Sahih al-Bukhari 5142), so the third person should not be approaching you as someone else's fiancé(e) either. A passing feeling is not a sin, but feeding it with meetings and messages leads to betraying a trust (an-Nisa' 4:58). Ask yourself: is this due to a real shortcoming in the engagement, or a passing attraction to something new? If you end the engagement, say so honestly without shaming anyone, return gifts according to custom and law, and be ready to bear the consequences. Being honest now is better than marrying with a divided heart. See the question on breaking off an engagement.
The Prophet ﷺ forbade proposing over a brother's proposal (Sahih al-Bukhari 5142), so the third person should not be approaching you as someone else's fiancé(e) either. A passing feeling is not a sin, but feeding it with meetings and messages leads to betraying a trust (an-Nisa' 4:58). Ask yourself: is this due to a real shortcoming in the engagement, or a passing attraction to something new? If you end the engagement, say so honestly without shaming anyone, return gifts according to custom and law, and be ready to bear the consequences. Being honest now is better than marrying with a divided heart. See the question on breaking off an engagement.
Sahih al-Bukhari 5142Surah an-Nisa' 4:58Surah al-Isra' 17:34
68A suitor has good faith but no steady job yet. Should his proposal be accepted?
Faith and character come first, but a basic ability to provide is also an important condition; consider his seriousness and plans, and adjust the length of the engagement.
The Prophet ﷺ told families to accept a suitor of good faith and character (Jamiʿ at-Tirmidhi 1084), while also urging only young people who are "able" to marry (Sahih al-Bukhari 5066). He once advised Fatima bint Qays that one of her suitors was poor and had no wealth (Sahih Muslim, Kitab at-Talaq) — a sign that financial ability is a legitimate consideration. Useful questions: does he strive to earn lawfully; is there income even if irregular; does he have large debts; and are you ready for a simple life at first? Allah promises sufficiency to those who marry to keep chaste (an-Nur 24:32). Avoid marrying in the hope that a spouse will change without any sign of effort. See the question on differing financial status.
The Prophet ﷺ told families to accept a suitor of good faith and character (Jamiʿ at-Tirmidhi 1084), while also urging only young people who are "able" to marry (Sahih al-Bukhari 5066). He once advised Fatima bint Qays that one of her suitors was poor and had no wealth (Sahih Muslim, Kitab at-Talaq) — a sign that financial ability is a legitimate consideration. Useful questions: does he strive to earn lawfully; is there income even if irregular; does he have large debts; and are you ready for a simple life at first? Allah promises sufficiency to those who marry to keep chaste (an-Nur 24:32). Avoid marrying in the hope that a spouse will change without any sign of effort. See the question on differing financial status.
Jami' at-Tirmidhi 1084 (hasan)Sahih al-Bukhari 5066Surah an-Nur 24:32
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