Q&A › Khitbah & engagement
💍 Q&A · 50 questions
Khitbah & engagement
Proposals, ta'aruf, limits during the engagement. Arranged by the most frequently asked questions.
🧭 Preparation & choosing a spouse💍 Proposal & engagement📜 The marriage contract🏡 Rights & responsibilities⚖️ Polygyny: rulings & justice🏛️ Polygyny: the law🤝 Existing & prospective wives🕊️ Conflict & resolution🚪 Divorce, ʿiddah & reconciliation🌍 Children, inheritance & global🧭 Regional & Middle East
1What does khitbah (proposal) mean and is it obligatory before marriage?
Khitbah is a man's request to marry a woman, and it is not a pillar or a condition for a valid marriage.
In fiqh terms, khitbah is only a promise to marry, not a contract. So a marriage is still valid even without a proposal or engagement ceremony. But khitbah is prescribed because it gives both parties and their families room to get to know each other, ask questions, pray istikharah and agree calmly before the contract. The Qur'an mentions khitbah directly in Surah al-Baqarah 2:235, and the Prophet ﷺ forbade a man to propose over his brother's proposal, which shows that khitbah is a practice recognised by the Shariah. After the engagement, the couple are still ajnabi (not mahram) to each other until the contract is pronounced. See also khitbah and glossary.
In fiqh terms, khitbah is only a promise to marry, not a contract. So a marriage is still valid even without a proposal or engagement ceremony. But khitbah is prescribed because it gives both parties and their families room to get to know each other, ask questions, pray istikharah and agree calmly before the contract. The Qur'an mentions khitbah directly in Surah al-Baqarah 2:235, and the Prophet ﷺ forbade a man to propose over his brother's proposal, which shows that khitbah is a practice recognised by the Shariah. After the engagement, the couple are still ajnabi (not mahram) to each other until the contract is pronounced. See also khitbah and glossary.
Surah al-Baqarah 2:235Sahih al-Bukhari 5142Sahih Muslim 1412
2May a man look at the face of the woman he intends to propose to?
Ya, malah disunatkan melihat wanita yang hendak dipinang, dengan niat untuk berkahwin.
Al-Mughirah bin Syu'bah pernah meminang seorang wanita lalu Nabi ﷺ bersabda: "Lihatlah dia, kerana itu lebih menjamin kekalnya (kasih sayang) antara kamu berdua." Dalam riwayat Muslim, Nabi ﷺ bertanya seorang sahabat yang mahu berkahwin dengan wanita Ansar sama ada dia sudah melihatnya, lalu menyuruhnya melihat. Dalam mazhab Syafi'i, sebaik-baiknya melihat dilakukan sebelum pinangan rasmi supaya jika tidak berkenan, lelaki boleh mengundur diri tanpa menyakiti hati keluarga wanita. Melihat mesti tanpa khalwat dan tanpa sentuhan, dan hanya setakat keperluan. Ia bukan lesen untuk memandang dengan syahwat atau berulang kali tanpa tujuan. Lihat khitbah.
Al-Mughirah bin Syu'bah pernah meminang seorang wanita lalu Nabi ﷺ bersabda: "Lihatlah dia, kerana itu lebih menjamin kekalnya (kasih sayang) antara kamu berdua." Dalam riwayat Muslim, Nabi ﷺ bertanya seorang sahabat yang mahu berkahwin dengan wanita Ansar sama ada dia sudah melihatnya, lalu menyuruhnya melihat. Dalam mazhab Syafi'i, sebaik-baiknya melihat dilakukan sebelum pinangan rasmi supaya jika tidak berkenan, lelaki boleh mengundur diri tanpa menyakiti hati keluarga wanita. Melihat mesti tanpa khalwat dan tanpa sentuhan, dan hanya setakat keperluan. Ia bukan lesen untuk memandang dengan syahwat atau berulang kali tanpa tujuan. Lihat khitbah.
Sunan at-Tirmidhi 1087 (hasan)Sahih Muslim 1424
3Which parts of the woman being proposed to may be seen? May it be without a headscarf?
According to the Shafi'i school, only the face and both palms may be seen; the woman need not remove her headscarf.
The face shows her looks, while the hands show her build, and that is enough to make a decision. Looking at any other part of the ʿawrah remains forbidden because the couple are not yet married. The viewing must be in the presence of a mahram or others (no khalwat), without touching, and with a serious intention to marry. Asking a woman to remove her headscarf, send photos without a headscarf, or do a "trial" in certain clothes is not permitted in the school practised in Malaysia. If in doubt about some physical feature, one may ask through a trusted woman from one's own family. See khitbah.
The face shows her looks, while the hands show her build, and that is enough to make a decision. Looking at any other part of the ʿawrah remains forbidden because the couple are not yet married. The viewing must be in the presence of a mahram or others (no khalwat), without touching, and with a serious intention to marry. Asking a woman to remove her headscarf, send photos without a headscarf, or do a "trial" in certain clothes is not permitted in the school practised in Malaysia. If in doubt about some physical feature, one may ask through a trusted woman from one's own family. See khitbah.
Difference between schools. The Hanafi, Maliki and Shafi'i schools limit it to the face and palms (some Hanafis add the feet). The Hanbali school permits the parts usually visible at home such as the neck, hands and feet.
Sunan at-Tirmidhi 1087 (hasan)Sahih Muslim 1424Surah an-Nur 24:31
4What is the ruling on proposing to a woman who has already been proposed to by another man?
Haram meminang wanita yang telah menerima pinangan lelaki lain, kecuali lelaki pertama menarik diri atau memberi izin.
Nabi ﷺ bersabda bahawa seseorang tidak boleh meminang atas pinangan saudaranya sehingga peminang sebelumnya meninggalkannya atau mengizinkannya. Larangan ini menjaga hati, maruah dan hubungan baik antara keluarga. Dalam mazhab Syafi'i, pengharaman berlaku apabila pinangan pertama sudah diterima dengan jelas oleh wanita atau walinya. Jika pinangan pertama ditolak, atau belum ada sebarang jawapan, lelaki lain boleh meminang. Hujahnya hadis Fatimah binti Qais yang dipinang oleh dua lelaki serentak, lalu Nabi ﷺ menasihatinya memilih Usamah. Jika seseorang tetap meminang dan berkahwin dalam keadaan haram itu, dia berdosa tetapi nikahnya sah menurut jumhur.
Nabi ﷺ bersabda bahawa seseorang tidak boleh meminang atas pinangan saudaranya sehingga peminang sebelumnya meninggalkannya atau mengizinkannya. Larangan ini menjaga hati, maruah dan hubungan baik antara keluarga. Dalam mazhab Syafi'i, pengharaman berlaku apabila pinangan pertama sudah diterima dengan jelas oleh wanita atau walinya. Jika pinangan pertama ditolak, atau belum ada sebarang jawapan, lelaki lain boleh meminang. Hujahnya hadis Fatimah binti Qais yang dipinang oleh dua lelaki serentak, lalu Nabi ﷺ menasihatinya memilih Usamah. Jika seseorang tetap meminang dan berkahwin dalam keadaan haram itu, dia berdosa tetapi nikahnya sah menurut jumhur.
Perbezaan mazhab. Jumhur berpendapat nikah tersebut sah walaupun berdosa. Sebahagian ulama Maliki berpendapat nikah itu difasakhkan jika belum disetubuhi.
Sahih al-Bukhari 5142Sahih Muslim 1412Sahih Muslim 1480
5We are engaged. May we go out to eat or for outings together, just the two of us?
You may not be alone together (khalwat), because an engaged couple are still not mahram to each other.
An engagement is only a promise to marry and does not make lawful anything that is forbidden before the contract. The Prophet ﷺ said: "Let no man be alone with a woman except with her mahram." If you need to meet for marriage matters such as choosing a home, discussing finances or meeting a wedding planner, bring a mahram or family member, or meet in a busy public place without physical contact. In Malaysia, being alone together in a secluded place may also be the offence of khalwat under the state Syariah criminal Enactment, with no exemption for engaged couples. If the engagement period feels hard, consider bringing the contract forward.
An engagement is only a promise to marry and does not make lawful anything that is forbidden before the contract. The Prophet ﷺ said: "Let no man be alone with a woman except with her mahram." If you need to meet for marriage matters such as choosing a home, discussing finances or meeting a wedding planner, bring a mahram or family member, or meet in a busy public place without physical contact. In Malaysia, being alone together in a secluded place may also be the offence of khalwat under the state Syariah criminal Enactment, with no exemption for engaged couples. If the engagement period feels hard, consider bringing the contract forward.
Sahih al-Bukhari 5233Sahih Muslim 1341Surah al-Isra' 17:32
6What is the ruling on breaking off an engagement? Is it a sin?
Breaking off an engagement is permitted because it is only a promise, but it is disliked (makruh) if done without a reasonable cause.
Khitbah is not a contract, so both parties are entitled to withdraw. But Islam places great emphasis on keeping promises; among the signs of a hypocrite is "when he promises, he breaks it". So breaking off an engagement on a whim, especially after the families have made big preparations, can cause hurt and damage people's dignity. If there is a valid reason, for example bad character newly discovered, religion not observed, deceit, a serious illness that was concealed or a heart that is truly not at peace, then breaking off the engagement is better than forcing an unhappy marriage. Do it with adab: through a family representative, frankly, and settle the matter of gifts and expenses fairly.
Khitbah is not a contract, so both parties are entitled to withdraw. But Islam places great emphasis on keeping promises; among the signs of a hypocrite is "when he promises, he breaks it". So breaking off an engagement on a whim, especially after the families have made big preparations, can cause hurt and damage people's dignity. If there is a valid reason, for example bad character newly discovered, religion not observed, deceit, a serious illness that was concealed or a heart that is truly not at peace, then breaking off the engagement is better than forcing an unhappy marriage. Do it with adab: through a family representative, frankly, and settle the matter of gifts and expenses fairly.
Sahih al-Bukhari 33Sahih Muslim 59Surah al-Isra' 17:34
7When an engagement is broken off, must the ring and gifts be returned?
Scholars differ; in Malaysia it also depends on who broke the promise and the Syariah Court's decision.
Rings and hantaran items given during the engagement are considered gifts, not mahr. In law, Act 303 and the state Enactments provide that a party who breaks an engagement without a valid reason may be ordered to return the engagement gifts (or their value) and pay expenses incurred in good faith in preparing for the marriage. If there is a dispute, try to negotiate amicably through representatives of both families before going to court. Any mahr already paid must be returned in full because the contract has not taken place. See khitbah (proposal).
Rings and hantaran items given during the engagement are considered gifts, not mahr. In law, Act 303 and the state Enactments provide that a party who breaks an engagement without a valid reason may be ordered to return the engagement gifts (or their value) and pay expenses incurred in good faith in preparing for the marriage. If there is a dispute, try to negotiate amicably through representatives of both families before going to court. Any mahr already paid must be returned in full because the contract has not taken place. See khitbah (proposal).
Difference among the schools. Hanafi: gifts can be reclaimed if the items still exist. Maliki: if the man breaks it off he cannot reclaim them; if the woman's side breaks it off the gifts are returned, unless there is a custom ('urf) or other condition. Within the Shafi'i school there is a view that gifts given because of the marriage can be reclaimed.
Act 303, s.15
8Is it true that if the woman's side breaks off the engagement, she must return double?
That is a custom of some Malay communities, not a binding ruling of the Shariah.
By custom, if the man's side breaks it off, his gifts are forfeited; if the woman's side breaks it off, she returns the gifts double. Islam respects ʿuruf (custom) that does not conflict with the Shariah, and this custom can take effect if both families did agree to it at the engagement. But it is not a religious obligation. Islamic family law in Malaysia only mentions the return of engagement gifts (or their value) and expenses incurred in good faith, by the party who breaks the engagement without a valid reason. If the two families disagree about the amount, take it to the Syariah Court or negotiate through sulh (mediation). Ideally, the agreement on this should be recorded at the engagement ceremony to avoid disputes.
By custom, if the man's side breaks it off, his gifts are forfeited; if the woman's side breaks it off, she returns the gifts double. Islam respects ʿuruf (custom) that does not conflict with the Shariah, and this custom can take effect if both families did agree to it at the engagement. But it is not a religious obligation. Islamic family law in Malaysia only mentions the return of engagement gifts (or their value) and expenses incurred in good faith, by the party who breaks the engagement without a valid reason. If the two families disagree about the amount, take it to the Syariah Court or negotiate through sulh (mediation). Ideally, the agreement on this should be recorded at the engagement ceremony to avoid disputes.
Act 303, s.15Surah al-Isra' 17:34
9My fiancé(e) broke off the engagement without reason. Can I make a claim in the Syariah Court?
Yes, Islamic family law in Malaysia allows a claim when an engagement is broken without valid reason.
Act 303 (Federal Territories) and the equivalent state enactments provide that a party who breaks an engagement, while the other party is still willing to marry, can be ordered to return the engagement gifts or their value, and to pay money spent in good faith on wedding preparations such as hall bookings, catering or clothes. Keep receipts, messages and proof of the engagement. The court will assess whether there was a valid reason to end it. Claims usually do not cover "compensation for hurt feelings". Before filing, try to negotiate through the families or sulh. Consult your state enactment and khitbah.
Act 303 (Federal Territories) and the equivalent state enactments provide that a party who breaks an engagement, while the other party is still willing to marry, can be ordered to return the engagement gifts or their value, and to pay money spent in good faith on wedding preparations such as hall bookings, catering or clothes. Keep receipts, messages and proof of the engagement. The court will assess whether there was a valid reason to end it. Claims usually do not cover "compensation for hurt feelings". Before filing, try to negotiate through the families or sulh. Consult your state enactment and khitbah.
Act 303, s.15
10What is ta'aruf and how does it differ from dating or being a 'couple'?
Ta'aruf is the process of getting to know each other for the purpose of marriage within the limits of the Shariah, while being a 'couple' is usually a romantic relationship without commitment or limits.
Ta'aruf has a clear aim (marriage), involves the wali or an intermediary, takes place over a reasonable period, and is conducted without khalwat, touching or flirtatious conversation. It usually begins with an exchange of biodata, followed by chaperoned meetings, discussion of life values, and istikharah. Dating, by contrast, often involves being alone together and intimacy that comes close to zina, whereas Allah says "do not come near zina". A good ta'aruf does not necessarily end in marriage; if the two are not compatible, it is ended kindly. See criteria for choosing a spouse.
Ta'aruf has a clear aim (marriage), involves the wali or an intermediary, takes place over a reasonable period, and is conducted without khalwat, touching or flirtatious conversation. It usually begins with an exchange of biodata, followed by chaperoned meetings, discussion of life values, and istikharah. Dating, by contrast, often involves being alone together and intimacy that comes close to zina, whereas Allah says "do not come near zina". A good ta'aruf does not necessarily end in marriage; if the two are not compatible, it is ended kindly. See criteria for choosing a spouse.
Surah al-Isra' 17:32Surah an-Nur 24:30-31Sahih al-Bukhari 5233
11What questions should one ask a prospective spouse during ta'aruf?
Ask about the things that determine long-term compatibility: religion, character, life goals, finances and family.
Important topics include: prayer and religious commitment; how they handle anger and conflict; career and housing plans; income, debts and dependants; hopes about children and how to raise them; the roles of husband and wife, including a working wife; relations with parents and in-laws; health, including chronic or hereditary illness; and marital history if previously married. If the man is already married or intends polygyny in future, this should be discussed frankly. The Prophet ﷺ advised choosing for religion and character. Questions can be sent through an intermediary or discussed in a chaperoned meeting. See criteria and responsibilities.
Important topics include: prayer and religious commitment; how they handle anger and conflict; career and housing plans; income, debts and dependants; hopes about children and how to raise them; the roles of husband and wife, including a working wife; relations with parents and in-laws; health, including chronic or hereditary illness; and marital history if previously married. If the man is already married or intends polygyny in future, this should be discussed frankly. The Prophet ﷺ advised choosing for religion and character. Questions can be sent through an intermediary or discussed in a chaperoned meeting. See criteria and responsibilities.
Sahih al-Bukhari 5090Sahih Muslim 1466Sunan at-Tirmidhi 1084 (hasan)
12May an engaged couple chat by phone or WhatsApp every day?
Communicating about marriage matters is allowed, but affectionate, romantic or excessive conversation is not, as you are still not mahram.
Discussing the date of the ceremony, finances, accommodation or ta'aruf questions is a need. But late-night calls, words of love, flirtatious joking or sharing private photos can open the door to temptation (fitnah). Allah reminds women not to soften their speech so that one with a disease in his heart is moved to desire (al-Ahzab 33:32), and commands men and women to lower their gaze. Practical steps: use a WhatsApp group that includes family members, limit the time, and keep a respectful tone. If feelings are hard to control, that is a sign to bring the contract forward.
Discussing the date of the ceremony, finances, accommodation or ta'aruf questions is a need. But late-night calls, words of love, flirtatious joking or sharing private photos can open the door to temptation (fitnah). Allah reminds women not to soften their speech so that one with a disease in his heart is moved to desire (al-Ahzab 33:32), and commands men and women to lower their gaze. Practical steps: use a WhatsApp group that includes family members, limit the time, and keep a respectful tone. If feelings are hard to control, that is a sign to bring the contract forward.
Surah al-Ahzab 33:32Surah an-Nur 24:30-31
13May one use a video call to see a prospective spouse who lives far away?
Boleh, sebagai ganti melihat secara bersemuka, dengan syarat yang sama seperti nazar khitbah.
Tujuan melihat ialah supaya keputusan berkahwin dibuat dengan jelas, dan ini boleh dicapai melalui panggilan video apabila jarak menyukarkan pertemuan. Syaratnya: ada niat serius untuk meminang, wanita berpakaian menutup aurat (yang dilihat hanya muka dan tapak tangan menurut mazhab Syafi'i), panggilan disertai atau diketahui wali atau ahli keluarga, dan tidak dirakam atau disebarkan tanpa izin. Elakkan panggilan video berdua-duaan yang berpanjangan kerana hukumnya menyerupai khalwat dari sudut fitnah. Untuk ta'aruf merentas negara, libatkan keluarga kedua-dua pihak sejak awal. Lihat khitbah.
Tujuan melihat ialah supaya keputusan berkahwin dibuat dengan jelas, dan ini boleh dicapai melalui panggilan video apabila jarak menyukarkan pertemuan. Syaratnya: ada niat serius untuk meminang, wanita berpakaian menutup aurat (yang dilihat hanya muka dan tapak tangan menurut mazhab Syafi'i), panggilan disertai atau diketahui wali atau ahli keluarga, dan tidak dirakam atau disebarkan tanpa izin. Elakkan panggilan video berdua-duaan yang berpanjangan kerana hukumnya menyerupai khalwat dari sudut fitnah. Untuk ta'aruf merentas negara, libatkan keluarga kedua-dua pihak sejak awal. Lihat khitbah.
Sunan at-Tirmidhi 1087 (hasan)Sahih Muslim 1424
14May the male fiancé himself put the ring on his fiancée's finger?
No, because skin contact with a non-mahram is forbidden even after engagement.
According to the Shafi'i school, touching a non-mahram (ajnabi) woman without urgent necessity is forbidden. Aisha r.a. stated that the hand of the Messenger of Allah ﷺ never touched the hand of a (non-mahram) woman, even during the pledge of allegiance. In Malay custom, the ring is put on by the man's mother or female relative, and that is the way in keeping with Syariah. The same applies to pre-wedding photo sessions: avoid holding hands or embracing. An engagement is not half a marriage; touch is only lawful after the contract. See khitbah (proposal).
According to the Shafi'i school, touching a non-mahram (ajnabi) woman without urgent necessity is forbidden. Aisha r.a. stated that the hand of the Messenger of Allah ﷺ never touched the hand of a (non-mahram) woman, even during the pledge of allegiance. In Malay custom, the ring is put on by the man's mother or female relative, and that is the way in keeping with Syariah. The same applies to pre-wedding photo sessions: avoid holding hands or embracing. An engagement is not half a marriage; touch is only lawful after the contract. See khitbah (proposal).
Difference among the schools. Some Hanafi and Hanbali scholars permit shaking hands with elderly women where no desire is aroused; but no school permits touching a young fiancée.
Narrated by al-Bukhari and Muslim (the hadith of Aisha on the women's pledge of allegiance)
15How long is a suitable engagement period in Islam?
The Shariah sets no specific period; what is recommended is not to prolong it without need.
The length of an engagement depends on financial preparation, accommodation, studies and family matters. But a very long engagement often brings problems: the temptation to cross boundaries, changes of heart, interference by others, and rising costs. Many scholars advise that couples who are compatible and able should marry soon. If there are obstacles such as studies, one option is to conclude a lawfully registered contract first and postpone the walimah. In Malaysia, arrange the pre-marriage course, health screening and marriage application early, as they take time. See khitbah and walimah.
The length of an engagement depends on financial preparation, accommodation, studies and family matters. But a very long engagement often brings problems: the temptation to cross boundaries, changes of heart, interference by others, and rising costs. Many scholars advise that couples who are compatible and able should marry soon. If there are obstacles such as studies, one option is to conclude a lawfully registered contract first and postpone the walimah. In Malaysia, arrange the pre-marriage course, health screening and marriage application early, as they take time. See khitbah and walimah.
Surah an-Nur 24:32Sunan at-Tirmidhi 1084 (hasan)
16Is the istikharah prayer needed before accepting a proposal? How do you know the answer?
The istikharah prayer is recommended, and the answer does not necessarily come through a dream.
Jabir r.a. narrated that the Prophet ﷺ taught the Companions to seek guidance (istikharah) in all matters as he taught them a surah of the Qur'an. The method: pray two voluntary rakaat, then recite the istikharah supplication, mentioning the matter of the proposal. Scholars explain that after istikharah, a person goes ahead with what seems good, and Allah will make it easy if it is good, or turn it away if not. Istikharah should be paired with istisyarah, that is, asking trusted people for their opinion of the suitor's religion and character. Do not rely solely on feelings or dreams while ignoring clear facts. See supplication & prayer.
Jabir r.a. narrated that the Prophet ﷺ taught the Companions to seek guidance (istikharah) in all matters as he taught them a surah of the Qur'an. The method: pray two voluntary rakaat, then recite the istikharah supplication, mentioning the matter of the proposal. Scholars explain that after istikharah, a person goes ahead with what seems good, and Allah will make it easy if it is good, or turn it away if not. Istikharah should be paired with istisyarah, that is, asking trusted people for their opinion of the suitor's religion and character. Do not rely solely on feelings or dreams while ignoring clear facts. See supplication & prayer.
Sahih al-Bukhari 1162
17May a woman also look at the man who proposes to her?
Ya, wanita juga disunatkan melihat lelaki yang meminangnya, atas sebab yang sama.
Hikmah melihat ialah supaya perkahwinan dibina atas kerelaan dan kekal kasih sayang, dan wanita mempunyai hak yang sama untuk berpuas hati dengan bakal suaminya. Ulama mazhab Syafi'i menyebut bahawa wanita boleh melihat lelaki yang meminangnya. Lebih-lebih lagi, persetujuan wanita adalah wajib dalam perkahwinan; Nabi ﷺ menolak nikah Khansa' binti Khidham yang dikahwinkan tanpa kerelaannya. Pertemuan hendaklah berteman, tanpa khalwat dan sentuhan. Wanita juga berhak bertanya tentang agama, akhlak, pekerjaan, kesihatan dan status perkahwinan lelaki tersebut. Lihat khitbah.
Hikmah melihat ialah supaya perkahwinan dibina atas kerelaan dan kekal kasih sayang, dan wanita mempunyai hak yang sama untuk berpuas hati dengan bakal suaminya. Ulama mazhab Syafi'i menyebut bahawa wanita boleh melihat lelaki yang meminangnya. Lebih-lebih lagi, persetujuan wanita adalah wajib dalam perkahwinan; Nabi ﷺ menolak nikah Khansa' binti Khidham yang dikahwinkan tanpa kerelaannya. Pertemuan hendaklah berteman, tanpa khalwat dan sentuhan. Wanita juga berhak bertanya tentang agama, akhlak, pekerjaan, kesihatan dan status perkahwinan lelaki tersebut. Lihat khitbah.
Sunan at-Tirmidhi 1087 (hasan)Sahih al-Bukhari 5138
18May I look at the woman discreetly without her knowing?
Boleh menurut mazhab Syafi'i, malah ia lebih menjaga perasaan wanita itu jika lelaki akhirnya tidak meneruskan pinangan.
Jabir bin Abdullah r.a. menceritakan bahawa selepas mendengar sabda Nabi ﷺ tentang melihat wanita yang hendak dipinang, beliau menyembunyikan diri untuk melihat wanita yang ingin dikahwininya, lalu meneruskan perkahwinan itu. Syaratnya: niat sebenar untuk meminang, hanya melihat bahagian yang biasa terzahir (muka dan tapak tangan), tidak mengintai ke dalam rumah atau ketika dia tidak menutup aurat, tidak mengekori atau mengganggu, dan tidak mengambil gambar atau video secara rahsia. Jika tidak berkenan, diam dan jangan bercerita kepada orang lain. Pilihan lain: minta keluarga atur pertemuan berteman.
Jabir bin Abdullah r.a. menceritakan bahawa selepas mendengar sabda Nabi ﷺ tentang melihat wanita yang hendak dipinang, beliau menyembunyikan diri untuk melihat wanita yang ingin dikahwininya, lalu meneruskan perkahwinan itu. Syaratnya: niat sebenar untuk meminang, hanya melihat bahagian yang biasa terzahir (muka dan tapak tangan), tidak mengintai ke dalam rumah atau ketika dia tidak menutup aurat, tidak mengekori atau mengganggu, dan tidak mengambil gambar atau video secara rahsia. Jika tidak berkenan, diam dan jangan bercerita kepada orang lain. Pilihan lain: minta keluarga atur pertemuan berteman.
Riwayat Abu Dawud (hasan), hadis Jabir
19May one ask for a photo of the prospective wife? What if the photo is without a headscarf?
Gambar berpakaian menutup aurat boleh diminta untuk tujuan pinangan; gambar tanpa tudung tidak dibenarkan.
Gambar menggantikan pandangan secara langsung, jadi hukum dan batasnya sama: hanya bahagian yang boleh dilihat semasa khitbah (muka dan tapak tangan menurut mazhab Syafi'i). Ia mesti untuk keperluan membuat keputusan, bukan disimpan, dikongsi kepada rakan atau disebarkan. Jika pinangan tidak diteruskan, padamkan gambar itu sebagai amanah. Gambar boleh diedit dan menipu, maka pertemuan bersemuka atau panggilan video berteman lebih dipercayai. Pihak wanita berhak menolak permintaan gambar dan memilih pertemuan berteman. Lihat khitbah.
Gambar menggantikan pandangan secara langsung, jadi hukum dan batasnya sama: hanya bahagian yang boleh dilihat semasa khitbah (muka dan tapak tangan menurut mazhab Syafi'i). Ia mesti untuk keperluan membuat keputusan, bukan disimpan, dikongsi kepada rakan atau disebarkan. Jika pinangan tidak diteruskan, padamkan gambar itu sebagai amanah. Gambar boleh diedit dan menipu, maka pertemuan bersemuka atau panggilan video berteman lebih dipercayai. Pihak wanita berhak menolak permintaan gambar dan memilih pertemuan berteman. Lihat khitbah.
Sunan at-Tirmidhi 1087 (hasan)Surah an-Nur 24:31
20May a woman or her family propose to a man first?
Boleh, dan ia tidak menjatuhkan maruah jika dilakukan dengan cara yang baik.
Khadijah r.a. sendiri menyatakan hasratnya untuk berkahwin dengan Nabi ﷺ melalui perantaraan Nafisah binti Munyah. Dalam Sahih al-Bukhari terdapat bab tentang wanita menawarkan dirinya kepada lelaki soleh, dan Anas r.a. memuji wanita itu kerana keinginannya kepada kebaikan apabila anak perempuannya mempersoalkan perbuatan tersebut. Al-Quran juga merakamkan ayah dua wanita Madyan menawarkan anaknya kepada Nabi Musa a.s. (al-Qasas 28:27). Cara terbaik ialah melalui wali, ahli keluarga atau orang tengah yang dipercayai supaya maruah terpelihara dan jawapan dapat diberi dengan tenang. Akad tetap memerlukan wali bagi pengantin perempuan. Lihat khitbah.
Khadijah r.a. sendiri menyatakan hasratnya untuk berkahwin dengan Nabi ﷺ melalui perantaraan Nafisah binti Munyah. Dalam Sahih al-Bukhari terdapat bab tentang wanita menawarkan dirinya kepada lelaki soleh, dan Anas r.a. memuji wanita itu kerana keinginannya kepada kebaikan apabila anak perempuannya mempersoalkan perbuatan tersebut. Al-Quran juga merakamkan ayah dua wanita Madyan menawarkan anaknya kepada Nabi Musa a.s. (al-Qasas 28:27). Cara terbaik ialah melalui wali, ahli keluarga atau orang tengah yang dipercayai supaya maruah terpelihara dan jawapan dapat diberi dengan tenang. Akad tetap memerlukan wali bagi pengantin perempuan. Lihat khitbah.
Surah al-Qasas 28:26-27Riwayat al-Bukhari (bab wanita menawarkan diri kepada lelaki soleh)Sirah Ibn Hisyam
21May a father offer his daughter to a righteous man?
Yes, and it was even the practice of the Companions and is mentioned in the Qur'an.
Umar al-Khattab r.a., after Hafsah was widowed, offered her to Uthman and then Abu Bakar r.a., before the Prophet ﷺ finally proposed to her; this account is narrated by al-Bukhari. The father of the two women of Madyan also offered his daughter to the Prophet Musa a.s. Such an offer is only a suggestion; the daughter still has the right to give her consent, and the man has the right to decline kindly. Use an approach that causes no embarrassment, for example through a friend or an intermediary. Choose on the basis of religion and character, as the Prophet ﷺ advised. See criteria.
Umar al-Khattab r.a., after Hafsah was widowed, offered her to Uthman and then Abu Bakar r.a., before the Prophet ﷺ finally proposed to her; this account is narrated by al-Bukhari. The father of the two women of Madyan also offered his daughter to the Prophet Musa a.s. Such an offer is only a suggestion; the daughter still has the right to give her consent, and the man has the right to decline kindly. Use an approach that causes no embarrassment, for example through a friend or an intermediary. Choose on the basis of religion and character, as the Prophet ﷺ advised. See criteria.
Surah al-Qasas 28:27Narrated by al-Bukhari (the account of Umar offering Hafsah)Sunan at-Tirmidhi 1084 (hasan)
22Must parents obtain their daughter's consent before accepting a proposal?
Yes, a daughter's consent is very important, and for a previously married woman it must be given explicitly.
The Prophet ﷺ said: "A previously married woman is not married until she is consulted (explicitly), and a virgin is not married until her permission is sought." When asked how a virgin gives permission, he answered: "Her silence." Khansa' binti Khidham, whose father married her off without her consent, complained, and the Prophet ﷺ annulled that marriage. Accepting a proposal on a daughter's behalf without asking can lead to an engagement that has to be broken off later. Under Islamic family law in Malaysia, the consent of both parties is also required to register the marriage. See the marriage guardian (wali).
The Prophet ﷺ said: "A previously married woman is not married until she is consulted (explicitly), and a virgin is not married until her permission is sought." When asked how a virgin gives permission, he answered: "Her silence." Khansa' binti Khidham, whose father married her off without her consent, complained, and the Prophet ﷺ annulled that marriage. Accepting a proposal on a daughter's behalf without asking can lead to an engagement that has to be broken off later. Under Islamic family law in Malaysia, the consent of both parties is also required to register the marriage. See the marriage guardian (wali).
Difference among the schools. The Shafi'i school allows a father or grandfather (wali mujbir) to marry off a virgin daughter without her permission under strict conditions, yet seeking her permission remains strongly recommended. The Hanafi school requires the consent of an adult woman.
Sahih al-Bukhari 5136Sahih Muslim 1419Sahih al-Bukhari 5138
23May I decline a proposal from a man my parents chose?
Boleh; perkahwinan memerlukan kerelaan anda, dan menolak dengan alasan munasabah bukan derhaka.
Hadis Khansa' binti Khidham menunjukkan bahawa Nabi ﷺ menolak perkahwinan yang dipaksakan ke atas wanita yang tidak rela. Namun pertimbangkan pandangan ibu bapa dengan serius kerana mereka sering melihat perkara yang anak terlepas pandang. Cara terbaik: dengar alasan mereka, nyatakan sebab anda dengan hormat (contohnya kurang yakin pada agama atau akhlaknya, atau hati tidak tenang selepas istikharah), dan minta pandangan orang ketiga yang dihormati. Elakkan menolak semata-mata kerana rupa atau harta jika agama dan akhlaknya baik. Jika konflik berpanjangan, rujuk kaunselor. Lihat kaunseling.
Hadis Khansa' binti Khidham menunjukkan bahawa Nabi ﷺ menolak perkahwinan yang dipaksakan ke atas wanita yang tidak rela. Namun pertimbangkan pandangan ibu bapa dengan serius kerana mereka sering melihat perkara yang anak terlepas pandang. Cara terbaik: dengar alasan mereka, nyatakan sebab anda dengan hormat (contohnya kurang yakin pada agama atau akhlaknya, atau hati tidak tenang selepas istikharah), dan minta pandangan orang ketiga yang dihormati. Elakkan menolak semata-mata kerana rupa atau harta jika agama dan akhlaknya baik. Jika konflik berpanjangan, rujuk kaunselor. Lihat kaunseling.
Sahih al-Bukhari 5138Sahih al-Bukhari 5136Surah al-Isra' 17:23
24How does one decline a proposal kindly without causing offence?
Decline promptly, briefly, politely and through the same channel the proposal came by.
Do not delay the answer too long, because it gives false hope and prevents the man from proposing to someone else. Convey it through the wali or intermediary, give thanks for the honour, and give a general reason such as "we are not yet compatible" without revealing faults or comparing with others. Return any token or gift already received. Do not spread the story of the proposal around. For the side that is declined, accept it with contentment; one's spouse is in Allah's hands and a refusal is not an insult. See khitbah.
Do not delay the answer too long, because it gives false hope and prevents the man from proposing to someone else. Convey it through the wali or intermediary, give thanks for the honour, and give a general reason such as "we are not yet compatible" without revealing faults or comparing with others. Return any token or gift already received. Do not spread the story of the proposal around. For the side that is declined, accept it with contentment; one's spouse is in Allah's hands and a refusal is not an insult. See khitbah.
Surah al-Hujurat 49:11-12Surah al-Baqarah 2:83
25May one propose to a woman who is still in her ʿiddah?
Haram meminang secara terang-terangan wanita yang masih dalam idah; bagi idah talak raj'i, sindiran pun haram.
Wanita dalam idah talak raj'i (talak satu atau dua) masih dihukum sebagai isteri kerana suami boleh merujuknya, jadi meminangnya dalam apa bentuk sekalipun adalah haram. Bagi wanita dalam idah kematian suami atau talak ba'in, Allah membenarkan sindiran (ta'rid) seperti "saya mencari isteri yang solehah seperti awak", tetapi melarang pinangan jelas dan janji rahsia, serta melarang akad sebelum idah tamat (al-Baqarah 2:235). Akad nikah dalam tempoh idah adalah batal. Lihat idah & rujuk dan khitbah.
Wanita dalam idah talak raj'i (talak satu atau dua) masih dihukum sebagai isteri kerana suami boleh merujuknya, jadi meminangnya dalam apa bentuk sekalipun adalah haram. Bagi wanita dalam idah kematian suami atau talak ba'in, Allah membenarkan sindiran (ta'rid) seperti "saya mencari isteri yang solehah seperti awak", tetapi melarang pinangan jelas dan janji rahsia, serta melarang akad sebelum idah tamat (al-Baqarah 2:235). Akad nikah dalam tempoh idah adalah batal. Lihat idah & rujuk dan khitbah.
Surah al-Baqarah 2:235Surah al-Baqarah 2:228
26What are examples of permitted hints (ta'rid) for proposing to a widow in her ʿiddah?
Ta'rid ialah ungkapan umum yang membayangkan minat tanpa menyatakan pinangan secara jelas.
Contohnya: "Ramai yang akan berminat dengan wanita seperti awak", "Saya berharap Allah menemukan saya dengan isteri yang solehah", atau "Jika tiba masanya, beritahu saya." Ungkapan jelas seperti "Saya mahu berkahwin dengan awak selepas idah" atau meminta janji adalah tasrih dan dilarang. Ayat 2:235 membenarkan sindiran atau menyimpan hasrat dalam hati, tetapi melarang janji secara rahsia dan akad sebelum idah tamat. Sindiran ini dibenarkan bagi idah kematian dan talak ba'in sahaja, bukan talak raj'i. Jagalah perasaan wanita yang baru berduka dan keluarganya. Lihat balu.
Contohnya: "Ramai yang akan berminat dengan wanita seperti awak", "Saya berharap Allah menemukan saya dengan isteri yang solehah", atau "Jika tiba masanya, beritahu saya." Ungkapan jelas seperti "Saya mahu berkahwin dengan awak selepas idah" atau meminta janji adalah tasrih dan dilarang. Ayat 2:235 membenarkan sindiran atau menyimpan hasrat dalam hati, tetapi melarang janji secara rahsia dan akad sebelum idah tamat. Sindiran ini dibenarkan bagi idah kematian dan talak ba'in sahaja, bukan talak raj'i. Jagalah perasaan wanita yang baru berduka dan keluarganya. Lihat balu.
Surah al-Baqarah 2:235
27May we investigate or ask people about a prospective spouse's background?
Boleh dan digalakkan, kerana perkahwinan ialah keputusan besar yang memerlukan maklumat yang benar.
Bertanyalah kepada orang yang mengenalinya: imam kariah, majikan, rakan sekerja, jiran atau sahabat, tentang solatnya, akhlak, tanggungjawab kewangan dan cara dia melayan keluarga. Nabi ﷺ sendiri memberi maklumat jujur kepada Fatimah binti Qais tentang dua lelaki yang meminangnya. Lakukan dengan adab: niat untuk membuat keputusan, bukan mencari aib; jangan mengintip perkara peribadi secara haram (seperti menggodam telefon); dan rahsiakan apa yang diketahui. Semakan rekod awam juga boleh dibuat, contohnya status perkahwinan di pejabat agama apabila memohon nikah. Lihat kriteria.
Bertanyalah kepada orang yang mengenalinya: imam kariah, majikan, rakan sekerja, jiran atau sahabat, tentang solatnya, akhlak, tanggungjawab kewangan dan cara dia melayan keluarga. Nabi ﷺ sendiri memberi maklumat jujur kepada Fatimah binti Qais tentang dua lelaki yang meminangnya. Lakukan dengan adab: niat untuk membuat keputusan, bukan mencari aib; jangan mengintip perkara peribadi secara haram (seperti menggodam telefon); dan rahsiakan apa yang diketahui. Semakan rekod awam juga boleh dibuat, contohnya status perkahwinan di pejabat agama apabila memohon nikah. Lihat kriteria.
Sahih Muslim 1480Surah al-Hujurat 49:12
28If someone asks my opinion of a man proposing to their daughter, may I tell them about his faults?
Yes, and it is even obligatory to speak truthfully when asked for advice, but only as far as necessary.
Scholars exempt advice about marriage from the prohibition of backbiting (ghibah). When Fatimah binti Qais asked for advice about Mu'awiyah and Abu Jahm, the Prophet ﷺ mentioned that Mu'awiyah was poor and Abu Jahm did not put his stick down from his shoulder (was harsh towards women). The Prophet ﷺ also said that the one whose advice is sought is entrusted. The limits: mention only facts relevant to the marriage such as character, religion or responsibility, not old sins that have been repented of and have no bearing, do not embellish, and do not tell it to others who did not ask.
Scholars exempt advice about marriage from the prohibition of backbiting (ghibah). When Fatimah binti Qais asked for advice about Mu'awiyah and Abu Jahm, the Prophet ﷺ mentioned that Mu'awiyah was poor and Abu Jahm did not put his stick down from his shoulder (was harsh towards women). The Prophet ﷺ also said that the one whose advice is sought is entrusted. The limits: mention only facts relevant to the marriage such as character, religion or responsibility, not old sins that have been repented of and have no bearing, do not embellish, and do not tell it to others who did not ask.
Sahih Muslim 1480Narrated by Abu Dawud and at-Tirmidhi (hasan): 'al-mustasyar mu'taman' (the one consulted is entrusted)
29Must I tell my prospective spouse about my illness or disability?
Ya, kecacatan atau penyakit yang memberi kesan kepada perkahwinan wajib didedahkan; menyembunyikannya adalah penipuan.
Fuqaha menyenaraikan beberapa 'aib (kecacatan) yang membolehkan pihak satu lagi menuntut fasakh, seperti penyakit yang menghalang hubungan suami isteri dan penyakit berjangkit yang serius. Lebih luas lagi, menyembunyikan perkara besar seperti penyakit kronik, masalah kesuburan yang diketahui, gangguan mental yang serius atau ketagihan bercanggah dengan amanah. Pendedahan tidak perlu kepada umum, cukup kepada bakal pasangan dan walinya secara sulit. Saringan kesihatan pra-perkahwinan di Malaysia membantu, dan keputusannya wajar dikongsi bersama. Lihat fasakh dan khitbah.
Fuqaha menyenaraikan beberapa 'aib (kecacatan) yang membolehkan pihak satu lagi menuntut fasakh, seperti penyakit yang menghalang hubungan suami isteri dan penyakit berjangkit yang serius. Lebih luas lagi, menyembunyikan perkara besar seperti penyakit kronik, masalah kesuburan yang diketahui, gangguan mental yang serius atau ketagihan bercanggah dengan amanah. Pendedahan tidak perlu kepada umum, cukup kepada bakal pasangan dan walinya secara sulit. Saringan kesihatan pra-perkahwinan di Malaysia membantu, dan keputusannya wajar dikongsi bersama. Lihat fasakh dan khitbah.
Surah al-Ahzab 33:70Akta 303, s.52
30What are the consequences if the prospective husband lies about his status, job or income during the engagement?
Penipuan semasa khitbah adalah dosa dan memberi hak kepada pihak yang ditipu untuk memutuskan pertunangan; jika sudah bernikah, ia mungkin menjadi asas tuntutan di mahkamah.
Penipuan tentang perkara asas seperti status perkahwinan, agama, pekerjaan atau hutang besar merosakkan kerelaan, sedangkan perkahwinan dibina atas persetujuan yang jujur. Sebelum akad, pihak yang ditipu boleh menarik diri tanpa dikira mungkir janji, dan boleh menuntut pemulangan hadiah serta belanja. Selepas akad, kesannya bergantung kepada jenis penipuan dan keputusan mahkamah syariah, misalnya fasakh atau tindakan berkaitan poligami tanpa kebenaran. Lindungi diri: semak dokumen, kenali keluarganya, dan libatkan wali. Lihat khitbah.
Penipuan tentang perkara asas seperti status perkahwinan, agama, pekerjaan atau hutang besar merosakkan kerelaan, sedangkan perkahwinan dibina atas persetujuan yang jujur. Sebelum akad, pihak yang ditipu boleh menarik diri tanpa dikira mungkir janji, dan boleh menuntut pemulangan hadiah serta belanja. Selepas akad, kesannya bergantung kepada jenis penipuan dan keputusan mahkamah syariah, misalnya fasakh atau tindakan berkaitan poligami tanpa kebenaran. Lindungi diri: semak dokumen, kenali keluarganya, dan libatkan wali. Lihat khitbah.
Surah al-Ahzab 33:70Sahih al-Bukhari 33Akta 303, s.52
31A married man wants to propose. Must he disclose his marital status?
Ya, dia wajib berterus terang kepada wanita dan walinya bahawa dia sudah beristeri.
Menyembunyikan status perkahwinan ialah penipuan tentang perkara yang sangat mempengaruhi keputusan wanita itu: hak giliran, nafkah, tempat tinggal dan hubungan dengan madu. Di Malaysia, lelaki beristeri mesti memohon kebenaran mahkamah syariah sebelum berpoligami, dan prosesnya melibatkan maklumat tentang isteri sedia ada serta bakal isteri. Oleh itu, keterbukaan sejak peringkat khitbah lebih selamat dari segi agama dan undang-undang. Bakal isteri juga berhak bertanya tentang kemampuan kewangan, rancangan giliran dan sama ada isteri pertama sudah dimaklumkan. Lihat bakal isteri kedua dan poligami di Malaysia.
Menyembunyikan status perkahwinan ialah penipuan tentang perkara yang sangat mempengaruhi keputusan wanita itu: hak giliran, nafkah, tempat tinggal dan hubungan dengan madu. Di Malaysia, lelaki beristeri mesti memohon kebenaran mahkamah syariah sebelum berpoligami, dan prosesnya melibatkan maklumat tentang isteri sedia ada serta bakal isteri. Oleh itu, keterbukaan sejak peringkat khitbah lebih selamat dari segi agama dan undang-undang. Bakal isteri juga berhak bertanya tentang kemampuan kewangan, rancangan giliran dan sama ada isteri pertama sudah dimaklumkan. Lihat bakal isteri kedua dan poligami di Malaysia.
Surah an-Nisa' 4:3Surah al-Ahzab 33:70Akta 303, s.23
32May a married man become engaged to a prospective second wife before obtaining the court's permission?
An engagement itself is not wrong, but a polygynous marriage contract may not be made before the court's written permission is obtained.
A proposal (khitbah) is only a promise, so it does not need the court's permission. But in Malaysia, a polygyny application is made to the Syariah Court under s.23 of Act 303 or the state Enactment, and the court assesses means, fairness and necessity; the application may be rejected. So an engagement should be made with the shared understanding that the date of the contract depends on the court's decision, and the woman's side should be told of the risk. Marrying without permission, including abroad, is an offence under state law. See polygyny in Malaysia.
A proposal (khitbah) is only a promise, so it does not need the court's permission. But in Malaysia, a polygyny application is made to the Syariah Court under s.23 of Act 303 or the state Enactment, and the court assesses means, fairness and necessity; the application may be rejected. So an engagement should be made with the shared understanding that the date of the contract depends on the court's decision, and the woman's side should be told of the risk. Marrying without permission, including abroad, is an offence under state law. See polygyny in Malaysia.
Act 303, s.23Act 303, s.123
33A man who already has four wives: may he get engaged to another woman first?
Tidak boleh; meminang wanita yang belum halal dinikahi ketika itu adalah haram.
Had maksimum isteri dalam satu masa ialah empat (an-Nisa' 4:3). Lelaki yang masih mempunyai empat isteri tidak boleh menikahi wanita kelima, maka ulama menegaskan dia juga tidak boleh meminangnya, kerana pinangan ialah langkah ke arah sesuatu yang tidak halal baginya, dan biasanya mendorong kepada menceraikan isteri sedia ada demi wanita lain. Hanya selepas salah seorang isteri meninggal dunia, atau diceraikan dan idahnya tamat (bagi talak raj'i), barulah dia berstatus layak meminang. Lihat fiqh poligami.
Had maksimum isteri dalam satu masa ialah empat (an-Nisa' 4:3). Lelaki yang masih mempunyai empat isteri tidak boleh menikahi wanita kelima, maka ulama menegaskan dia juga tidak boleh meminangnya, kerana pinangan ialah langkah ke arah sesuatu yang tidak halal baginya, dan biasanya mendorong kepada menceraikan isteri sedia ada demi wanita lain. Hanya selepas salah seorang isteri meninggal dunia, atau diceraikan dan idahnya tamat (bagi talak raj'i), barulah dia berstatus layak meminang. Lihat fiqh poligami.
Surah an-Nisa' 4:3
34May one propose or become engaged while in ihram for hajj or umrah?
Tidak; Nabi ﷺ melarang orang berihram bernikah, menikahkan dan meminang.
Uthman bin Affan r.a. meriwayatkan sabda Nabi ﷺ: "Orang yang berihram tidak boleh bernikah, tidak boleh dinikahkan, dan tidak boleh meminang." Dalam mazhab Syafi'i, akad nikah semasa ihram tidak sah, manakala meminang ketika ihram dihukumkan makruh. Larangan ini terpakai sama ada lelaki, wanita atau wali yang sedang berihram. Selepas tahallul, semuanya kembali harus. Jadi, jika berhasrat menyatakan pinangan di Tanah Suci, lakukannya selepas selesai ihram. Lihat khitbah.
Uthman bin Affan r.a. meriwayatkan sabda Nabi ﷺ: "Orang yang berihram tidak boleh bernikah, tidak boleh dinikahkan, dan tidak boleh meminang." Dalam mazhab Syafi'i, akad nikah semasa ihram tidak sah, manakala meminang ketika ihram dihukumkan makruh. Larangan ini terpakai sama ada lelaki, wanita atau wali yang sedang berihram. Selepas tahallul, semuanya kembali harus. Jadi, jika berhasrat menyatakan pinangan di Tanah Suci, lakukannya selepas selesai ihram. Lihat khitbah.
Perbezaan mazhab. Mazhab Hanafi membenarkan akad nikah semasa ihram berdasarkan riwayat Ibn Abbas tentang perkahwinan Nabi ﷺ dengan Maimunah; jumhur berpegang dengan hadis Uthman.
Sahih Muslim 1409
35Is it sunnah to deliver a sermon when proposing?
Ya, dalam mazhab Syafi'i disunatkan memulakan pinangan dengan khutbah ringkas (pujian kepada Allah dan selawat).
Ulama menyebut khutbah al-hajah yang diajar Nabi ﷺ untuk urusan penting, yang dimulakan dengan "Innal-hamda lillah..." dan diikuti ayat-ayat taqwa (an-Nisa' 4:1, Ali 'Imran 3:102, al-Ahzab 33:70-71). Ia disunatkan sebelum khitbah dan sebelum akad nikah. Khutbah ini tidak perlu panjang; cukup pujian kepada Allah, selawat, pesanan taqwa, kemudian menyatakan hajat: "Kami datang untuk meminang anak tuan untuk anak kami." Ia bukan syarat sah pinangan. Dalam majlis Melayu, ini sering dilakukan oleh wakil keluarga atau imam.
Ulama menyebut khutbah al-hajah yang diajar Nabi ﷺ untuk urusan penting, yang dimulakan dengan "Innal-hamda lillah..." dan diikuti ayat-ayat taqwa (an-Nisa' 4:1, Ali 'Imran 3:102, al-Ahzab 33:70-71). Ia disunatkan sebelum khitbah dan sebelum akad nikah. Khutbah ini tidak perlu panjang; cukup pujian kepada Allah, selawat, pesanan taqwa, kemudian menyatakan hajat: "Kami datang untuk meminang anak tuan untuk anak kami." Ia bukan syarat sah pinangan. Dalam majlis Melayu, ini sering dilakukan oleh wakil keluarga atau imam.
Surah an-Nisa' 4:1Surah Ali 'Imran 3:102Surah al-Ahzab 33:70-71Riwayat Abu Dawud (sahih), khutbah al-hajah
36Is it necessary to use an intermediary or representative to propose?
It is not obligatory, but using a trustworthy intermediary greatly helps protect the dignity of both sides.
An intermediary can convey the intention, carry the biodata, ask sensitive questions and convey a refusal without embarrassing anyone. Khadijah r.a. used an intermediary before her marriage to the Prophet ﷺ, and Umar r.a. offered Hafsah directly to trusted Companions. Choose an intermediary who is honest, keeps confidences and has no vested interest. They must convey information truthfully, without excessive praise or hiding important shortcomings. In Malay custom, the proposal delegation is usually led by respected relatives. See khitbah.
An intermediary can convey the intention, carry the biodata, ask sensitive questions and convey a refusal without embarrassing anyone. Khadijah r.a. used an intermediary before her marriage to the Prophet ﷺ, and Umar r.a. offered Hafsah directly to trusted Companions. Choose an intermediary who is honest, keeps confidences and has no vested interest. They must convey information truthfully, without excessive praise or hiding important shortcomings. In Malay custom, the proposal delegation is usually led by respected relatives. See khitbah.
Surah al-Qasas 28:26-27Sahih Muslim 1480
37Is an engagement ceremony sunnah or custom? May it be held on a grand scale?
Majlis bertunang ialah adat yang harus, bukan sunnah khusus; yang disunatkan ialah walimah selepas akad.
Islam membenarkan adat ('uruf) yang tidak bercanggah dengan syarak, seperti rombongan meminang, tepak sirih dan menyarung cincin oleh ibu lelaki. Namun majlis bertunang tidak wajib dan boleh dipermudahkan. Elakkan pembaziran, berhutang semata-mata untuk kemegahan, pergaulan bebas, sentuhan antara pasangan, dan sesi bergambar yang melanggar batas aurat. Ada keluarga yang memilih hanya perjumpaan kecil keluarga dan terus menetapkan tarikh nikah; itu juga baik. Simpan wang untuk perkara yang lebih penting seperti mahar, tempat tinggal dan permulaan rumah tangga. Lihat khitbah.
Islam membenarkan adat ('uruf) yang tidak bercanggah dengan syarak, seperti rombongan meminang, tepak sirih dan menyarung cincin oleh ibu lelaki. Namun majlis bertunang tidak wajib dan boleh dipermudahkan. Elakkan pembaziran, berhutang semata-mata untuk kemegahan, pergaulan bebas, sentuhan antara pasangan, dan sesi bergambar yang melanggar batas aurat. Ada keluarga yang memilih hanya perjumpaan kecil keluarga dan terus menetapkan tarikh nikah; itu juga baik. Simpan wang untuk perkara yang lebih penting seperti mahar, tempat tinggal dan permulaan rumah tangga. Lihat khitbah.
Surah al-Isra' 17:26-27Surah al-A'raf 7:31
38May one give gifts to one's fiancé(e)? Do the gifts count as mahr?
Giving gifts to one's fiancé(e) is permitted, and they do not count as mahr unless stated to be so.
Gifts strengthen the bond of affection between the two families. The mahr, by contrast, is the wife's right stated or fixed in the marriage contract. So a ring, hantaran items or gifts during the engagement are ordinary gifts, unless both sides clearly agree to make them part of the mahr. To avoid disputes if the engagement is broken off, record what was given, its value and its status (gift or advance on the mahr). Avoid gifts that are too expensive or that lead to free mixing. See khitbah and mahr & hantaran.
Gifts strengthen the bond of affection between the two families. The mahr, by contrast, is the wife's right stated or fixed in the marriage contract. So a ring, hantaran items or gifts during the engagement are ordinary gifts, unless both sides clearly agree to make them part of the mahr. To avoid disputes if the engagement is broken off, record what was given, its value and its status (gift or advance on the mahr). Avoid gifts that are too expensive or that lead to free mixing. See khitbah and mahr & hantaran.
Surah an-Nisa' 4:4Narrated by al-Bukhari in al-Adab al-Mufrad (hasan): 'Exchange gifts'
39May a man wear a gold engagement ring?
Tidak boleh; lelaki Muslim haram memakai cincin emas, termasuk cincin tunang atau cincin kahwin.
Ibn Abbas r.a. meriwayatkan bahawa Nabi ﷺ melihat cincin emas di tangan seorang lelaki, lalu menanggalkannya dan bersabda bahawa ia seperti bara api neraka. Nabi ﷺ juga menyatakan emas dan sutera halal bagi wanita umatnya dan haram bagi lelaki. Lelaki boleh memakai cincin perak, atau cincin daripada logam lain seperti titanium atau platinum menurut ramai ulama semasa. Adat bertukar cincin itu sendiri harus, tetapi disarungkan oleh ahli keluarga yang mahram, bukan oleh tunang. Bakal pengantin wanita boleh memakai cincin emas.
Ibn Abbas r.a. meriwayatkan bahawa Nabi ﷺ melihat cincin emas di tangan seorang lelaki, lalu menanggalkannya dan bersabda bahawa ia seperti bara api neraka. Nabi ﷺ juga menyatakan emas dan sutera halal bagi wanita umatnya dan haram bagi lelaki. Lelaki boleh memakai cincin perak, atau cincin daripada logam lain seperti titanium atau platinum menurut ramai ulama semasa. Adat bertukar cincin itu sendiri harus, tetapi disarungkan oleh ahli keluarga yang mahram, bukan oleh tunang. Bakal pengantin wanita boleh memakai cincin emas.
Sahih Muslim 2090Riwayat at-Tirmidhi dan an-Nasa'i (sahih): emas dan sutera halal bagi wanita, haram bagi lelaki
40If a fiancé(e) dies before the marriage, what is the status of the gifts, mahr and ʿiddah?
No ʿiddah, no inheritance and no marital relationship, because the contract has not taken place.
A fiancé(e) is not a wife or husband, so the one left behind need not observe ʿiddah, does not inherit, and has no right to mahr. If any mahr money had been handed over, it is returned to the giver or their heirs. Gifts that were fully handed over usually remain the recipient's property, unless there is a different agreement or custom ('uruf); it is best settled amicably between the two families. A grieving fiancé(e) may mourn and pray, but is not subject to the mourning restrictions (ihdad) of a widow. See faraid.
A fiancé(e) is not a wife or husband, so the one left behind need not observe ʿiddah, does not inherit, and has no right to mahr. If any mahr money had been handed over, it is returned to the giver or their heirs. Gifts that were fully handed over usually remain the recipient's property, unless there is a different agreement or custom ('uruf); it is best settled amicably between the two families. A grieving fiancé(e) may mourn and pray, but is not subject to the mourning restrictions (ihdad) of a widow. See faraid.
Surah al-Baqarah 2:234Surah an-Nisa' 4:12
41We have been engaged a long time and fear falling into sin. May we marry first and hold the ceremony later?
Yes, and it is often better than prolonging the engagement.
A marriage contract that fulfils the pillars and is lawfully registered does not require a big ceremony. A couple can hold the contract at the religious affairs office or a mosque, then postpone the walimah until they can afford it. After the contract, they are lawfully husband and wife with all the rights and responsibilities, including maintenance, even if they may not yet live together because of studies or work. Discuss clearly beforehand: when to live together, maintenance while apart, and what happens if there is a divorce before living together. Never marry secretly or without registration. See walimah and maintenance (nafkah).
A marriage contract that fulfils the pillars and is lawfully registered does not require a big ceremony. A couple can hold the contract at the religious affairs office or a mosque, then postpone the walimah until they can afford it. After the contract, they are lawfully husband and wife with all the rights and responsibilities, including maintenance, even if they may not yet live together because of studies or work. Discuss clearly beforehand: when to live together, maintenance while apart, and what happens if there is a divorce before living together. Never marry secretly or without registration. See walimah and maintenance (nafkah).
Surah an-Nur 24:32Surah al-Isra' 17:32
42May we have a 'pre-wedding' photo session during the engagement?
A pre-wedding photo session involving touching, being alone together or uncovered ʿawrah is not permitted because the couple are not yet married.
Most pre-wedding sessions involve holding hands, embracing or intimate poses, while an engaged couple are still not mahram. If you still want one, make sure: clothing covers the ʿawrah, there is no touching, a mahram or family member is present, and the poses are modest. A safer alternative is to hold the photo session after the marriage contract ('post-wedding'), when all of that is lawful. Also consider the consequences of spreading photos on social media if the engagement is later broken off. See khitbah.
Most pre-wedding sessions involve holding hands, embracing or intimate poses, while an engaged couple are still not mahram. If you still want one, make sure: clothing covers the ʿawrah, there is no touching, a mahram or family member is present, and the poses are modest. A safer alternative is to hold the photo session after the marriage contract ('post-wedding'), when all of that is lawful. Also consider the consequences of spreading photos on social media if the engagement is later broken off. See khitbah.
Surah an-Nur 24:30-31Sahih al-Bukhari 5233
43May we get engaged on our own without our parents' knowledge?
A promise to marry between two people is not forbidden, but hiding it from the wali and family is unwise and contrary to the purpose of khitbah.
In the Shafi'i school, a woman's marriage is not valid without a wali, so the family must be involved in the end anyway. Secret engagements often lead to unsupervised meetings, promises that cannot be kept, and conflict with the family. Involve the wali and parents from the start; if they object, listen to their reasons and ask a respected third party to mediate. If the wali refuses without a Shariah reason, there is a wali hakim procedure through the court. Never opt for a secret or cross-border marriage without registration. See counselling.
In the Shafi'i school, a woman's marriage is not valid without a wali, so the family must be involved in the end anyway. Secret engagements often lead to unsupervised meetings, promises that cannot be kept, and conflict with the family. Involve the wali and parents from the start; if they object, listen to their reasons and ask a respected third party to mediate. If the wali refuses without a Shariah reason, there is a wali hakim procedure through the court. Never opt for a secret or cross-border marriage without registration. See counselling.
Narrated by Abu Dawud and at-Tirmidhi (sahih): 'There is no marriage except with a wali'Surah al-Isra' 17:23
44What is the ruling on using matchmaking apps or online ta'aruf?
Permissible if used to look for a spouse in a way that observes the limits of the Shariah and safety.
An app is only a tool; its ruling depends on how it is used. Use it to share basic biodata and identify candidates, then involve the wali or family as soon as possible. Avoid prolonged private conversations, photos that do not cover the ʿawrah, and meeting alone. Beware of love scams: do not transfer money, do not share personal photos or documents, and verify identity through a chaperoned video call and family meetings. Women should also confirm the man's true marital status. See criteria.
An app is only a tool; its ruling depends on how it is used. Use it to share basic biodata and identify candidates, then involve the wali or family as soon as possible. Avoid prolonged private conversations, photos that do not cover the ʿawrah, and meeting alone. Beware of love scams: do not transfer money, do not share personal photos or documents, and verify identity through a chaperoned video call and family meetings. Women should also confirm the man's true marital status. See criteria.
Surah an-Nur 24:30-31Sahih Muslim 1480
45My heart is not at peace after istikharah. May I break off the engagement?
Yes, if the doubt is serious and persistent, but weigh it against the facts and the advice of people you trust.
Istikharah is not merely waiting for a feeling; scholars explain that Allah eases the good path and turns one away from the bad. Unease may come from ordinary nerves before marriage, or from real signs such as questionable character. Repeat the istikharah, ask people who know your fiancé(e) (istisyarah), and discuss with your parents. If the decision to break off is made, do it promptly and courteously, because delay adds to the loss on both sides. Settle the return of gifts and expenses fairly. See khitbah (proposal).
Istikharah is not merely waiting for a feeling; scholars explain that Allah eases the good path and turns one away from the bad. Unease may come from ordinary nerves before marriage, or from real signs such as questionable character. Repeat the istikharah, ask people who know your fiancé(e) (istisyarah), and discuss with your parents. If the decision to break off is made, do it promptly and courteously, because delay adds to the loss on both sides. Settle the return of gifts and expenses fairly. See khitbah (proposal).
Sahih al-Bukhari 1162Act 303, s.15
46The woman has already been proposed to but has not yet answered. May I propose to her too?
Dalam mazhab Syafi'i, boleh selagi pinangan pertama belum diterima secara jelas.
Larangan meminang atas pinangan orang lain berlaku apabila pinangan pertama sudah dipersetujui. Jika wanita atau walinya masih berfikir, atau sudah menolak, pinangan lain dibenarkan. Dalilnya hadis Fatimah binti Qais yang dipinang oleh Mu'awiyah dan Abu Jahm, lalu Nabi ﷺ mencadangkan Usamah tanpa menyalahkan sesiapa. Walau bagaimanapun, adab yang baik ialah tidak memburukkan peminang pertama dan tidak menekan keluarga wanita. Jika diketahui keluarga itu sudah cenderung menerima, lebih baik menunggu. Lihat khitbah.
Larangan meminang atas pinangan orang lain berlaku apabila pinangan pertama sudah dipersetujui. Jika wanita atau walinya masih berfikir, atau sudah menolak, pinangan lain dibenarkan. Dalilnya hadis Fatimah binti Qais yang dipinang oleh Mu'awiyah dan Abu Jahm, lalu Nabi ﷺ mencadangkan Usamah tanpa menyalahkan sesiapa. Walau bagaimanapun, adab yang baik ialah tidak memburukkan peminang pertama dan tidak menekan keluarga wanita. Jika diketahui keluarga itu sudah cenderung menerima, lebih baik menunggu. Lihat khitbah.
Perbezaan mazhab. Sebahagian ulama Hanbali dan Maliki mengharamkan juga apabila pihak wanita sudah cenderung menerima walaupun belum dinyatakan secara jelas.
Sahih Muslim 1480Sahih al-Bukhari 5142Sahih Muslim 1412
47May I look at my prospective wife more than once?
Boleh mengulang pandangan sekadar perlu untuk membuat keputusan, tetapi tidak lebih daripada itu.
Ulama mazhab Syafi'i membenarkan melihat berulang kali jika pandangan pertama belum cukup untuk menilai, kerana tujuannya ialah keyakinan sebelum berkahwin. Apabila keputusan sudah dibuat, kebenaran ini tamat, dan hukum asal menundukkan pandangan kembali terpakai. Nabi ﷺ menyuruh Jarir memalingkan pandangan apabila terpandang secara tiba-tiba, dan pandangan yang disengajakan tanpa keperluan tidak dibenarkan. Jadi selepas bertunang, tiada lagi alasan untuk "melihat" atas nama khitbah. Pandangan mesti tanpa syahwat, berteman dan tanpa khalwat. Lihat khitbah.
Ulama mazhab Syafi'i membenarkan melihat berulang kali jika pandangan pertama belum cukup untuk menilai, kerana tujuannya ialah keyakinan sebelum berkahwin. Apabila keputusan sudah dibuat, kebenaran ini tamat, dan hukum asal menundukkan pandangan kembali terpakai. Nabi ﷺ menyuruh Jarir memalingkan pandangan apabila terpandang secara tiba-tiba, dan pandangan yang disengajakan tanpa keperluan tidak dibenarkan. Jadi selepas bertunang, tiada lagi alasan untuk "melihat" atas nama khitbah. Pandangan mesti tanpa syahwat, berteman dan tanpa khalwat. Lihat khitbah.
Sahih Muslim 2159Surah an-Nur 24:30Sunan at-Tirmidhi 1087 (hasan)
48A married man wants to do ta'aruf with me for polygyny. What should I ask?
Ask about the things that determine fairness and stability: his means, the existing wife's knowledge, and how it will be put into practice.
Important questions include: Has the first wife been told? Will he apply for the Syariah Court's permission, and when? What are his current income and dependants? How will the rotation of nights, separate accommodation and maintenance be arranged? Why does he want to take another wife? Involve your wali in the conversation and ask to meet his family. Avoid vague promises or suggestions to marry abroad without permission, as that can be an offence and harm your rights. Allah makes fairness a condition; if you fear you will not be fair, then one is enough (an-Nisa' 4:3). See conditions and prospective second wife.
Important questions include: Has the first wife been told? Will he apply for the Syariah Court's permission, and when? What are his current income and dependants? How will the rotation of nights, separate accommodation and maintenance be arranged? Why does he want to take another wife? Involve your wali in the conversation and ask to meet his family. Avoid vague promises or suggestions to marry abroad without permission, as that can be an offence and harm your rights. Allah makes fairness a condition; if you fear you will not be fair, then one is enough (an-Nisa' 4:3). See conditions and prospective second wife.
Surah an-Nisa' 4:3Surah an-Nisa' 4:129Act 303, s.23
49My fiancé(e) has been found cheating or has changed. What should I do?
You have the right to end the engagement; this counts as a valid reason, and it is better that it happens before the contract.
An engagement is a period of assessment, and early signs such as cheating, harshness, excessive control, lying or neglecting prayer are serious warnings. Do not assume marriage will change them. Discuss it with your wali and family, gather the facts, and decide calmly after istikharah. If you end it because of his or her wrongdoing, you are not regarded as breaking a promise without cause, and the question of gifts and expenses can be negotiated or taken to the Syariah Court. Do not expose their faults on social media. If there are threats or harassment, report them to the authorities. See counselling.
An engagement is a period of assessment, and early signs such as cheating, harshness, excessive control, lying or neglecting prayer are serious warnings. Do not assume marriage will change them. Discuss it with your wali and family, gather the facts, and decide calmly after istikharah. If you end it because of his or her wrongdoing, you are not regarded as breaking a promise without cause, and the question of gifts and expenses can be negotiated or taken to the Syariah Court. Do not expose their faults on social media. If there are threats or harassment, report them to the authorities. See counselling.
Act 303, s.15Surah al-Hujurat 49:12
50What is merisik and what is its etiquette?
Merisik is the first step of asking informally whether a woman is still free and willing to receive a proposal.
In Malay custom, a representative of the man's family comes to ask about the woman's status (not yet spoken for, not yet proposed to), her family background and her willingness. In Shariah terms, merisik is in line with the advice to make sure the woman is not under another man's proposal, not in her ʿiddah, and suitable in terms of religion and character. Its etiquette: send a respected representative, converse politely, do not press for an immediate answer, and keep the findings confidential if it does not go ahead. If the outcome is positive, then the formal proposal is made. See khitbah.
In Malay custom, a representative of the man's family comes to ask about the woman's status (not yet spoken for, not yet proposed to), her family background and her willingness. In Shariah terms, merisik is in line with the advice to make sure the woman is not under another man's proposal, not in her ʿiddah, and suitable in terms of religion and character. Its etiquette: send a respected representative, converse politely, do not press for an immediate answer, and keep the findings confidential if it does not go ahead. If the outcome is positive, then the formal proposal is made. See khitbah.
Sahih al-Bukhari 5142Surah al-Baqarah 2:235
Comments or feedback
Dibaca oleh pentadbir MYPolygyny dan tidak diterbitkan. Jangan sertakan maklumat peribadi yang sensitif. Notis privasi.
About Us · Ask · Site Map · Privacy · Editorial policy · Updated: 5 Oct 2026 · Disclaimer