Short course: 10 lessons every husband must know

1How to use this course

This course contains 10 short lessons on the personal religious obligations (fardu ain) of married life that every husband must know. Each lesson takes about 5–8 minutes to read.

• One lesson a week. Read it, understand its evidence, then do this week's practice. In 10 weeks you will have covered all the essentials.
• Test yourself. Answer the question at the end of each lesson before reading the answer.
• Read it with your spouse. This course has a companion: Wife's short course. Husbands and wives who know each other's rights and duties find it easier to be fair and to forgive one another.
• Go deeper. Each lesson links to a full reference page on this site.

This course is based on the Shafi'i school (the practice in Malaysia), with notes where there are important differences of opinion. It is awareness material, not a fatwa or legal advice. For specific problems, consult the religious affairs office, a family counsellor or the Syariah Court — see Counselling and help.

2Lesson 1: Leadership (qiwamah) is a trust

Objective: to understand the true meaning of the husband's leadership according to the Qur'an — responsibility, not power.

Allah made the husband qawwam — the leader, protector and provider of the family. Scholars of tafsir link this to two reasons mentioned in the verse: the advantage Allah has given and the husband's obligation to spend his wealth (maintenance). So leadership comes with a burden: to protect, provide, guide and make decisions through consultation.

Leadership is not a licence to insult, control excessively or hurt. The same verse mentions steps to deal with nushuz under strict conditions (see Nushuz); Aishah r.a. narrated that the Messenger of Allah ﷺ never struck a woman (Sahih Muslim, Kitab al-Fadha'il). Every leader will be asked about those in his care (Sahih al-Bukhari 893).

A good leader listens, consults his wife and leads by example. Read more: Responsibilities of husband and wife and Rights of husband and wife.

"Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allah has given some of them more than others, and because they spend from their wealth." (Surah an-Nisa' 4:34)

This week's practice: ask your wife one question: "What is one family decision you'd like us to discuss together?" — then listen without interrupting.

3Lesson 2: Material and intimate maintenance

Objective: to know what obligatory maintenance includes and that a wife's intimate needs are also a right.

Material maintenance (nafkah zahir) is the husband's obligation towards his wife even if she is wealthy: food, clothing, suitable housing, basic medical care and daily needs, according to the husband's means and accepted custom. The wife's money does not replace maintenance unless she willingly agrees. Spending on one's family is the charity with the greatest reward (Sahih Muslim, Kitab az-Zakah).

Intimate maintenance (nafkah batin) is meeting the wife's needs for affection and intimacy well. The Prophet ﷺ rebuked Abdullah bin Amr, who worshipped so much that he neglected his family: "your wife has a right over you" (Sahih al-Bukhari 5199). Time, attention and gentleness are also part of this right.

If provision is tight, the husband gives according to his means and is honest about it; unpaid maintenance can become a debt that is claimed. See Maintenance and Intimate etiquette.

"Let the one who has means spend according to his means; and whoever's provision is restricted, let him spend from what Allah has given him. Allah does not burden a soul beyond what He has given it." (Surah at-Talaq 65:7)

This week's practice: set a clear household allowance with your wife, and spend one evening together without phones.

4Lesson 3: Living with your wife according to what is right

Objective: to practise good daily conduct at home, following the example of the Prophet ﷺ.

Mu'asharah bil-ma'ruf means living together in a good way according to the Shariah and good custom: speaking gently, showing appreciation, forgiving, helping with housework and not raking up mistakes. The Prophet ﷺ said: "The best of you is the one who is best to his family" (Sunan at-Tirmidhi 3895, sahih).

Aishah r.a. related that at home he was busy helping his family, and when the time for prayer came he went out to pray (Sahih al-Bukhari 676). Helping at home is sunnah, not weakness.

Verse 4:19 also teaches patience: if there is something in your wife you dislike, look at her other good qualities. Read more: Rights of husband and wife.

"…And live with them in kindness (ma'ruf). If you dislike them, (be patient), for perhaps you dislike something in which Allah has placed much good." (Surah an-Nisa' 4:19)

This week's practice: every day this week, express one specific appreciation to your wife and take over one household task without being asked.

5Lesson 4: Raising the family (at-Tahrim 66:6)

Objective: to understand that the husband is responsible for ensuring the family gains basic religious knowledge.

Verse 66:6 commands every believer to protect himself and his family from the Fire. Scholars explain that the way to do so is by teaching and nurturing: creed, prayer, purification, fasting, covering (ʿawrah) and character. If the husband cannot teach, he must make it easy for the family to learn — classes, teachers or trusted materials.

Upbringing begins with example. Children copy more than they listen. A husband who prays on time, speaks honestly and respects their mother is teaching every day.

An easy way: a 15-minute family study circle (halaqah) each week — read one verse or hadith, discuss its meaning, and choose one practice. See Children and Responsibilities.

"O you who believe, protect yourselves and your families from the Fire…" (Surah at-Tahrim 66:6)

This week's practice: hold your first 15-minute family study circle (halaqah) — one verse, one discussion, one practice.

6Lesson 5: Prayer and family worship

Objective: to make prayer and worship a shared routine at home.

Prayer is the pillar of the religion and the first thing to be reckoned. The husband is commanded to enjoin prayer on his family and to be patient in it. Children are told to pray at age seven and more firmly at age ten (Sunan Abi Dawud 495, hasan) — with wisdom, not harshness.

Congregational prayer at home: the husband leads as imam, the wife stands in the row behind (not beside him). A son may stand on the imam's right if he is alone. After the prayer, supplicate together and shake hands.

Family worship also includes reading the Qur'an together, voluntary fasting, eating suhur together in Ramadan and giving charity as a family. See Supplications and prayer.

"And enjoin prayer upon your family, and be steadfast in it…" (Surah Taha 20:132)

This week's practice: lead at least one obligatory prayer in congregation with your family every day this week.

7Lesson 6: Halal finances and debt

Objective: to ensure the family's income is halal and debts are managed with integrity.

Every mouthful given to the family must come from a halal source. Avoid riba, bribery and fraud; choose Islamic financing when you need to borrow. A simple budget helps: obligatory maintenance first, then debts, savings, charity and wants.

Debt is permitted, but it must be written down (2:282) and repaid. Delaying payment when able to pay is injustice. Do not hide large debts from your wife — they can affect the family's maintenance and inheritance.

List all debts, creditors and payment dates in one place your wife knows about. See Maintenance and Faraid (debts are paid before the estate is divided).

"Delay (in paying a debt) by one who is able is injustice." (Sahih al-Bukhari 2400; narrated by Muslim)

This week's practice: write a list of all your debts (amount, creditor, due date) and keep it somewhere your wife knows.

8Lesson 7: Controlling anger and the tongue

Objective: to recognise the causes of anger and the sunnah ways of calming it.

A man asked for advice; the Prophet ﷺ repeated three times: "Do not become angry." He also said that the strong man is not the one who wins at wrestling, but the one who controls himself when angry (Sahih al-Bukhari 6114). A husband's strength lies in self-control.

The sunnah and practical way: recite the ta'awwudh, fall silent, change position (sit or lie down), perform wudu', and leave the room for a while with a promise to talk again. Never pronounce talaq in anger as a threat — the words of talaq still take effect and damage the marriage (see Talaq).

Harsh words, insulting the wife's family, raking up the past and threats are wounds that take long to heal. Domestic violence — physical, emotional or financial — is forbidden and also an offence under the Domestic Violence Act 1994. If it is hard to control, get help: Counselling.

"A man said to the Prophet ﷺ: Advise me. He said: Do not become angry. The man repeated it several times, and he still said: Do not become angry." (Sahih al-Bukhari 6116)

This week's practice: agree a 'stop signal' with your wife — a word meaning "we'll continue when we're calm" — and use it.

9Lesson 8: The wife's rights that must be fulfilled

Objective: to know a wife's main rights: mahr, maintenance, accommodation, kind treatment and dignity.

Mahr is the wife's full property, must be paid (in cash or as a stated debt), and the husband may not take it back without her willing consent. Accommodation that is suitable and safe according to the husband's means (65:6) — the wife is entitled to a space that gives privacy.

A wife is also entitled to kind treatment, protection of her dignity and secrets, religious teaching, and not to be harmed. Her own property — salary, gifts, inheritance — is hers, not her husband's.

Rights and duties go hand in hand (2:228): a husband who fulfils his wife's rights is more entitled to claim his own. See Mahr, Rights of husband and wife and Women's rights.

"And give the women their mahr as an obligatory gift…" (Surah an-Nisa' 4:4)

This week's practice: check your marriage certificate: has the mahr been paid in full? If not, make a plan to settle it.

10Lesson 9: Justice — to wives, children and everyone (including in polygyny)

Objective: to understand that justice is a general obligation of the husband, and the main condition before considering polygyny.

Justice begins at home: justice between the children in giving and affection, justice to the wife in fulfilling her rights even when you disagree, and justice to parents and in-laws.

The Qur'an permits polygyny on condition of justice, and in the same verse commands marrying only one if one fears being unable to be just. Verse 4:129 explains that complete justice in feelings cannot be achieved, so what is obligatory is outward justice — maintenance, housing and the rotation of nights — and not inclining wholly towards one. Polygyny is not a sunnah demanded of everyone; for many, monogamy is safer.

In Malaysia, polygyny requires the permission of the Syariah Court, and marrying without permission is an offence. Before thinking any further, read Rulings, Conditions and Fiqh of polygyny.

"…But if you fear that you will not be just, then (marry) only one…" (Surah an-Nisa' 4:3)

This week's practice: check how fairly you treat your children: time, gifts and attention — correct one imbalance.

11Lesson 10: Preparing for death: wasiat, hibah and faraid

Objective: to arrange one's financial affairs so that wives and children are not wronged after one's death.

The deceased's estate is handled in order: funeral expenses, paying debts, carrying out the wasiat (will) (a maximum of 1/3, and not to an heir without the other heirs' consent), then division according to faraid. The wife receives 1/4 if there are no children, or 1/8 if there are children.

Hibah (a gift made during life) can be used to protect a wife and children, for example a house. EPF, Tabung Haji and takaful nominations need to be understood — not every nominee becomes the absolute owner. The EPF states that the nominee of a Muslim member is an executor/administrator who distributes the savings according to Islamic law, while a takaful nominee can be appointed either as executor or as a conditional hibah beneficiary (Act 759, Schedule 10). For Tabung Haji and other schemes, check with the institution concerned (please check by scheme). A wife's share of harta sepencarian can also be claimed.

Write a list of assets, debts, accounts and important documents, and tell your wife where they are kept. See Faraid and Widows.

"It is not right for a Muslim who has something to bequeath to spend two nights without his will being written down with him." (Sahih al-Bukhari 2738; Sahih Muslim, Kitab al-Wasiyyah)

This week's practice: prepare an 'if I am gone' file: a list of assets, debts, bank accounts, nominees and important contacts.

Sources & references