Khitbah, ta'aruf and engagement

1The meaning and status of khitbah

Khitbah (proposal) means a man (or his representative) expressing the wish to marry a particular woman to her or her wali. When that wish is accepted, an engagement exists — a promise to marry in the future.

The jurists of the four schools agree that khitbah is not a marriage contract. It does not make lawful anything forbidden between a man and a non-mahram (ajnabi) woman: an engaged couple remain strangers in law, with no right to maintenance, no inheritance and no marital relations. The basic ruling on khitbah is that it is permissible, and it is prescribed so that both parties can decide calmly and with knowledge.

• Khitbah may be made explicitly (tasrih), for example "I wish to marry your daughter".
• Or by hint (ta'rid), for example "I am looking for a righteous wife like your daughter".
• In Malay society, khitbah is usually done through the customs of merisik (discreet enquiry), meminang (proposal) and bertunang (engagement). These customs are permissible as long as they do not conflict with the Shariah.

2Seeing a prospective spouse

The Shariah encourages a man to see the woman he wishes to propose to. Al-Mughirah bin Syu'bah proposed to a woman, and the Prophet ﷺ said: "Look at her, for that is more likely to create lasting (affection) between the two of you." (narrated by at-Tirmidhi, al-Nasa'i and Ibn Majah; at-Tirmidhi graded it hasan). In Sahih Muslim 1424, the Prophet ﷺ asked a man who wished to marry a woman of the Ansar whether he had seen her, and said: "Go and look at her."

Most scholars hold that it is recommended (sunat) (or permissible) and done before the formal proposal, so that if either is not inclined, no one is offended. The woman also has the right to see the man proposing to her, since the same purpose applies to her.

• Seeing is permitted without being alone together (khalwat) — preferably with a mahram or family.
• It may be repeated if needed to get a clear impression, but not excessively.
• The look must be with the intention of marriage, not for pleasure.
• Some scholars permit looking without the woman's knowledge, based on the narration of Jabir in Sunan Abu Dawud (graded hasan), so that her dignity is protected if the man does not proceed.

3Limits on interaction during the engagement

The basic principle is the command to lower the gaze and guard one's chastity (Surah an-Nur 24:30–31) and the prohibition of being alone together: "A man must not be alone with a woman except in the presence of her mahram" (Sahih al-Bukhari 5233; Sahih Muslim 1341). An engagement does not exempt the couple from this prohibition.

• Permitted: discussing matters related to the marriage (mahr, accommodation, finances, children, career, attitude to polygyny) courteously, in front of family or through an open channel.
• Forbidden: touching, being alone together in a private place (khalwat), going out together without a mahram, travelling together and flirtatious conversation.
• Excessive communication without need, even without meeting face to face, opens the door to temptation and should be avoided.

In Malaysia, khalwat is a Syariah criminal offence under the state Syariah criminal enactments, and being engaged is not a defence.

4Proposing over another's proposal

The Prophet ﷺ said: "A man should not propose over the proposal of his brother until the earlier suitor leaves it or gives him permission." (Sahih al-Bukhari 5142, from Ibn 'Umar; the same meaning in Sahih Muslim). This prohibition protects the rights, dignity and brotherhood of Muslims.

According to the Syafi'i school and the majority, the prohibition applies when the first proposal has been clearly accepted by the woman or her wali (whoever has the right). If the first proposal was rejected or not yet answered, or the first suitor withdrew or gave permission, a second proposal is not forbidden. The evidence is the story of Fatimah binti Qais, who received proposals from Mu'awiyah and Abu Jahm, and the Prophet ﷺ suggested Usamah bin Zaid (Sahih Muslim 1480) — because she had not yet accepted any proposal.

If someone goes ahead with the proposal and marriage even though it is forbidden, the majority (including the Syafi'i, Hanafi and Hanbali schools) hold that the marriage is valid but the person is sinful. In the Maliki school there is a view that the marriage is annulled (fasakh) before consummation.

5Proposing to a woman in her ʿiddah

Allah says (meaning): "And there is no sin on you in what you hint of a proposal to these women or what you conceal in your hearts... but do not make a secret promise to them, except to speak words that are proper, and do not resolve on the marriage contract until the waiting period has run its course." (Surah al-Baqarah 2:235). This verse concerns women in the ʿiddah following their husband's death.

6Breaking off an engagement, gifts and rings

Because an engagement is only a promise, both parties have the right to break it off. However, breaking a promise without reasonable cause is blameworthy, because it hurts the other party and their family. Reasonable causes include proven bad character, concealing an illness or marital status, or a loss of compatibility after istikharah and consultation.

Mahr paid in advance must be returned in full, because the mahr becomes the woman's right only through the contract. Gifts, however, are disputed:

• Hanafi: gifts can be reclaimed if the item still exists; if it has been damaged or used up, there is no claim.
• Maliki: if the man breaks it off, he cannot reclaim his gifts; if the woman breaks it off, she returns them — unless there is a condition or a different custom.
• Syafi'i: the basic rule is that a gift (hibah) once received cannot be revoked; however, some Syafi'i scholars hold that gifts given solely because of the marriage can be reclaimed if the marriage does not take place.
• Hanbali: a view close to the Maliki one — the party who breaks it off without reason bears the consequences.

An engagement ring is a custom, not a sunnah. It is permissible for women; men are forbidden to wear gold rings. A ring follows the ruling on gifts above or the family agreement made at the engagement.

7Istikharah and consultation

Jabir bin 'Abdullah narrated that the Prophet ﷺ taught the Companions istikharah in all matters just as he taught them a surah of the Qur'an (Sahih al-Bukhari 1162). The method: pray two voluntary (sunat, not obligatory) rak'ahs, then recite the istikharah supplication and mention the matter — for example marriage to a particular man/woman.

• Istikharah may be performed by the man, the woman and also the wali.
• There is no requirement to have a dream. The sign is that the matter is made easy or kept away, accompanied by peace of heart — not mere feelings.
• Istikharah does not replace making enquiries: asking about religion, character, health, finances, marital status and family from people who know the person concerned.
• A person consulted for advice must be honest; mentioning real shortcomings when asked for the purpose of marriage is not forbidden backbiting (see the story of Fatimah binti Qais, Sahih Muslim 1480).

8Modern ta'aruf and apps

Ta'aruf (getting to know each other) with a view to marriage is permissible as long as it follows Shariah etiquette. Today it happens through family, friends, mosque programmes, matchmaking services and apps. The medium is neutral; what matters is how it is used.

• Intention and honesty: state your true status — single, divorced, married, number of children — from the start. Hiding an existing wife or lying about marital status is deception.
• Involve the wali and family as early as possible; ta'aruf is not an open-ended period of 'courting'.
• Avoid virtual khalwat: late-night video calls, prolonged private conversations or indecent content bring the same harm.
• Do not send photos showing your ʿawrah or sensitive information; they can be misused for blackmail.
• Verify identity: meet in public places with family and check the person's background. Beware of romance scams (love scams) that ask for money.
• Set a time frame and the matters to discuss: religion, life goals, finances, accommodation, children and position on polygyny.

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