Children in a polygynous family: fairness, mahram and inheritance

1The duty to be fair to all children

An-Nu'man bin Bashir r.a. narrated that his father wanted to give him a gift and asked the Prophet ﷺ to witness it. The Prophet ﷺ asked whether he had given the same to all his children. When he said no, he said: "Fear Allah and be fair between your children". His father then took back the gift (Sahih al-Bukhari 2587; Sahih Muslim 1623).

In polygyny this test is heavier, because the children live in different homes and a father's affection easily leans towards the children in the home where he spends most time.

2A father's time: the wives' rotation is not the children's rotation

Rotation of nights (giliran) is the wife's right. The children in the other home still need their father every week.

• Being present during the day for the children's affairs, such as the school run, school events, hospital and sports practice, is allowed on another wife's day, without lingering.
• A daily video call to the children who are not with their father that night.
• One-to-one time with each child, for example a monthly breakfast together.
• Make sure each child's important events (major exams, birthdays, completing the Qur'an) are in the father's calendar.

3Telling children about polygyny

Children will find out anyway, and it is better from their own parents than from friends or social media. General guidance:

1. The father should be the one to tell them, ideally together with the mother if she is able. Do not leave the mother to carry this alone.
2. Suit it to their age. Young children need to know only the basics: "Dad has another family too, and Dad is still your dad." Teenagers need a more honest explanation and room to be angry.
3. Stress what does not change: love, maintenance, home and school.
4. Do not blame anyone in front of the children, whether their mother, a co-wife or a co-wife's children.
5. Do not make children messengers or spies between homes.
6. For a teenager who is very distressed, get counselling from the school counsellor or a professional.

4Stepchildren, paternal half-siblings and mahram

A polygynous family involves several kinds of relationship. The rules of mahram are based on Surah an-Nisa' 4:22–23 (see Mahram):

5Inheritance: all children are equal

• All legitimate children inherit from their father regardless of their mother. A son receives twice the share of a daughter (Surah an-Nisa' 4:11). The first wife's children have no greater right than the fourth wife's children.
• The wives share 1/8 if there are children (4:12). The number of children each wife has does not change her share.
• Paternal half-siblings inherit from one another only if the deceased has no son, son's son, father or full sibling who would exclude them (4:176). See Faraid.
• A stepmother and stepchildren do not inherit from one another. If you wish to give to them, use a will (up to 1/3) or a lifetime gift (hibah). See Two-household finances.
• A child's lineage must be established in order to inherit. An unregistered marriage can make proof difficult. See Custody & lineage and Nikah siri & misyar.

6Child maintenance in each household

Child maintenance is the father's duty (Surah al-Baqarah 2:233; Act 303 s.72). The Prophet ﷺ allowed Hind to take from her husband's wealth what was sufficient for her and her child in a reasonable way (Sahih al-Bukhari 5364; Sahih Muslim 1714).

• Provision for each child according to real need: age, school and health. Not necessarily the same amount, but the same principle.
• An education fund, for example SSPN, for every child. Not only for the children in a particular home.
• Child maintenance does not lapse because the father's relationship with their mother is strained.

7Psychological effects: what is known

Studies of children in polygynous families have mostly been done in the Middle East and Africa, and the findings are mixed:

• A literature review by Elbedour and colleagues (2002) found that some studies report higher emotional, behavioural and academic problems among children of polygynous families. However, many other studies found no significant difference. Factors such as conflict between the parents, financial strain and the father's absence matter more than the family structure itself.
• A study by Al-Krenawi, Graham and Slonim-Nevo (2002) among Arab adolescents in Israel also linked children's wellbeing to family functioning and the parents' relationship.

The practical conclusion: what protects children most is a father who is present and fair, a mother who is not weighed down by prolonged conflict, stable finances, and adults who do not use children as weapons.

8School and documents

• Birth certificate: every child is registered with the name of their lawful father. Registering the father's name depends on established lineage, and for a child born less than six lunar months after the contract, a lineage issue arises. See Custody & lineage.
• School records: the father's details and emergency number are listed for all children. Decide who the main guardian to contact is for each child.
• Aid and scholarship forms: the father's income and number of dependants must be declared honestly. Do not hide dependants in another household in order to qualify for aid.
• Tax relief: child relief is claimed by the father under LHDN conditions. Check the current conditions.
• Passports and travel: the father's consent for a child's travel abroad needs to be planned. Do not let a child in one household be unable to travel abroad because the father cannot be reached.
• Family file: keep copies of all the children's birth certificates, all wives' marriage certificates and will documents in a place every mother knows.

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