How can one control anger when quarrelling with one's husband or wife?

Pause the conversation, seek forgiveness and change your state — that is the sunnah guidance when angry.
When a man asked for advice, the Prophet ﷺ said repeatedly: "Do not get angry" (Sahih al-Bukhari 6116). He also said the strong person is the one who can control himself when angry (Sahih al-Bukhari 6114). Among the recommendations: say a'udzu billahi minasy-syaitanir-rajim, sit down if standing (narrated by Abu Dawud, sahih), stay silent, make wudu, and step away for a while. Allah praises "those who restrain their anger and pardon people" (3:134). Agree on a "time-out signal" with your spouse and resume the discussion when calm. If anger leads to threats or violence, seek counselling.