Facing trials in a marriage

1What you will learn

This site discusses trials largely in the context of polygyny. But the trials that befall marriages most are not that: they are illness, money, offspring and death. This lesson is for all couples — one wife or more.

After this lesson, you should be able to:

1. Explain what a trial means according to the Qur'an and the sunnah, and what it does not mean.
2. State the rights and responsibilities of each spouse in five common trials: illness, childlessness, job loss, the death of a child, and caring for elderly parents.
3. Know how maintenance is measured when income falls, and what happens to arrears.
4. Identify the signs of depression — including postnatal depression — and the steps for getting help.
5. State at least three du'a (supplications) from the Qur'an and the sunnah for hard times.

2What a trial is, and what it is not

"And We will surely test you with something of fear, hunger, loss of wealth, loss of life and destruction of crops. And give good tidings to those who are patient — those who, when a musibah (calamity) befalls them, say: Indeed we belong to Allah and to Him we return." (Surah al-Baqarah 2:155–157).

"Do people think that they will be left to say 'We believe' while they have not yet been tested?" (Surah al-Ankabut 29:2).

• Trials wipe away sins. "No fatigue, illness, anxiety, sorrow, harm or grief befalls a Muslim — not even the prick of a thorn — but that Allah wipes away some of his sins because of it." (Sahih al-Bukhari 5642; see also Sahih al-Bukhari 5661).
• A believer is tested again and again. The Prophet ﷺ likened the believer to a tender young plant: the wind blows it from any direction and it bends, and when the wind stops it stands upright again (Sahih al-Bukhari 5644).
• Allah does not burden anyone beyond their capacity (Surah al-Baqarah 2:286), and "indeed, with hardship there is ease" — stated twice (Surah al-Insyirah 94:5–6).
• A trial is not a sign that Allah hates someone; not a certain punishment for one particular sin; not a reason to stop seeking treatment or to stop trying; and not the property of only one side in a marriage.

3Illness and caring for a spouse who is ill

Illness changes a home: income falls, the housework shifts, and intimacy stops. What has to be guarded is that the carer does not collapse along with the one who is ill.

• Seeking treatment is commanded. The Prophet ﷺ told his ummah to seek treatment, and it does not go against tawakal (reliance upon Allah). Modern treatment, surgery and medicine are not "relying less on Allah".
• Stay away from witch doctors, amulets and claims of the miraculous. Treatment that leads to shirk (associating others with Allah) destroys the religion while not curing the body. Ruqyah that is in accordance with the Syariah is done with the Qur'an and the du'a (supplications) transmitted from the Prophet, with no excessive fees and no extraordinary claims.
• Maintenance does not stop because a wife is ill — she is still his wife, and illness is not nusyuz (marital disobedience).
• When it is the husband who is ill and cannot work: the duty of maintenance does not disappear but is measured by his means. In Act 303, s.60 gives the court power to order any person liable under Hukum Syarak to pay maintenance to a person who is unable to earn a living because of injury or illness — note that this section is not a provision specific to wives, and it depends on the means of the person so ordered.
• The carer's rights — rest, help from the siblings, and being allowed to feel tired without feeling guilty. Divide the tasks in writing if need be.
• Intimacy — talk about it honestly and gently; chronic illness calls for adjustment, not silence. See Etiquette between husband and wife.

4Childlessness and miscarriage

This is the trial most often accompanied by accusations — and it is the accusations that damage a marriage, not the absence of a child itself.

• Offspring are Allah's decree, not a measure of success or of faith: "He grants daughters to whom He wills and grants sons to whom He wills, or He makes them a mixture of males and females, and He makes whom He wills childless…" (Surah asy-Syura 42:49–50).
• Even the prophets were tested with this. Zakariyya (peace be upon him) made du'a (supplication) in his old age: "My Lord, do not leave me alone, and You are the best of inheritors" (Surah al-Anbiya' 21:89; see also Maryam 19:4–6 and Ali 'Imran 3:38).
• Do not blame anyone. Medically, the cause may lie with the man, with the woman, with both, or be unknown. Screening is done for both spouses.
• Miscarriage is a real loss and deserves time to grieve. Do not console with words that dismiss the feeling ("it's all right, the rizq (provision) has not come yet"); be with her first, advise later.
• Treatment — family planning, fertility treatment and IVF have their own rulings and conditions; see Fertility & IVF.
• Polygyny is not an automatic "cure". Childlessness can be a reason that is taken into consideration, but it does not waive the conditions of means, fairness and procedure — and it does not waive the existing wife's right to be heard. See Conditions and Wisdom & criticism.
• Adoption is a great good deed, but nasab (lineage) and mahram status do not change through adoption — see Hadhanah & nasab.

5Job loss, falling income and debt

In many homes the money crisis arrives before the crisis of feeling — and it is dealt with by saying nothing, which makes it worse.

• Maintenance according to means. "Let the man of means spend according to his means; and whoever's provision is restricted, let him spend from what Allah has given him. Allah does not burden anyone beyond what He has given him…" (Surah at-Talaq 65:7).
• The law says the same. Act 303 s.61: in assessing the rate of maintenance, the court looks primarily at the means and needs of both parties, taking into account the proportion the maintenance bears to the income of the person ordered to pay. So a fall in income is a relevant fact — but it is decided by the court when there is a dispute, it is not set by oneself.
• Arrears are not wiped out. Act 303 s.69: unsecured arrears of maintenance may be claimed as a debt; if they accrued before a receiving order was made, they are provable in bankruptcy, and if they accrued before death, they become a debt owed by the estate. s.70 in turn allows interim maintenance while a full order is pending. See Maintenance rates.
• Practical steps: tell your wife the real figures in the first week, not the sixth month; lower the standard of spending together and willingly; order the debts by priority; avoid riba (interest-bearing) loans that settle this month and ruin two years.
• Help: zakat is administered by the zakat centre of each state, and the asnaf (categories of eligible recipients), the forms and the conditions are not uniform — refer to your own state's zakat centre. This page does not list rates or form numbers because they differ and they change.
• A wife who contributes from her own property or income does a good deed, and it does not waive the husband's duty — keep records. On divorce, the court dividing harta sepencarian (jointly acquired property) takes into account each party's contribution in the form of money, property or labour, debts incurred for the parties' joint benefit, and the needs of the minor children (Act 303 s.122).

6The death of a child and the loss of those we love

The Prophet ﷺ himself lost children in his lifetime, and he wept — then said that the eye sheds tears and the heart grieves, but nothing is said except what Allah is pleased with — it is a mercy that Allah places in the hearts of His servants (narrated by al-Bukhari — sahih).

• "A Muslim who loses three children who have not reached the age of puberty will be admitted by Allah into Paradise through His mercy to them." (Sahih al-Bukhari 1248). In another narration, the Prophet ﷺ said that those children become a shield from the Fire for their mother (Sahih al-Bukhari 1250).
• The words to say when a musibah (calamity) strikes: Inna lillahi wa inna ilaihi raji'un (Surah al-Baqarah 2:156), and the sunnah du'a (supplication) adds: "O Allah, reward me for this musibah and replace it for me with something better" (narrated by Muslim — sahih).
• Mourning is allowed. Weeping is not a sign of weak faith; what is forbidden is wailing, tearing one's clothes, and words that blame qadar (Allah's decree).
• A husband and a wife mourn in different ways — one wants to talk, the other wants to work or to stay silent. This difference is not a sign of not caring. Say it out loud, so that it is not misread.
• Do not make big decisions (moving house, leaving a job, divorcing, marrying again) in the first months after a loss. See Impulses & decisions.

7Caring for elderly parents

A trial that comes slowly and lasts long: parents growing weaker, medical costs, and care that falls on only one person in the family.

• Honouring one's parents is among the deeds most loved by Allah after prayer at its proper time (Sahih al-Bukhari 527), and the Qur'an mentions their old age specifically (Surah al-Isra' 17:23–24).
• Divide it among the siblings clearly: the money, the turns at caring, the trips to the clinic. Most quarrels between siblings come from a division that was never spoken about.
• A spouse's rights do not disappear in the middle of all this. A carer who never gets any rest ends up as the second sick person.
• Relations with in-laws and the limits of their involvement are discussed at greater length in Parents-in-law & siblings-in-law.

8When sadness becomes an illness

Sadness after a loss is normal. What needs to be referred to a professional is when it drags on and disrupts daily functioning.

• Signs that must not be ignored: feeling sad or empty almost all day for weeks on end; no longer being interested in things once enjoyed; sleep and eating changing markedly; feeling worthless or excessively guilty; difficulty paying attention; and — most important of all — thoughts of harming oneself or ending one's life.
• After childbirth — a few days of mild sadness is common, but postnatal depression is heavier and lasts longer, and it is an illness that can be treated. A husband who only says "be strong" is not helping; take her to see a doctor.
• Getting treatment is not a weakness of faith. Du'a (supplication), zikir and medical treatment go together, not against each other.
• Where to turn — a health clinic or a hospital, a counsellor, a religious officer, or a helpline. The list of referrals and the contact form are on the Counselling page; the numbers and the services differ from state to state and from country to country, so check there for the latest.
• If there is immediate danger to life — injury, violence or an intention to take one's own life — get emergency help at once, before any religious or marital discussion.

9What a couple does together

A trial makes a couple closer or further apart, and what decides that is usually the small things that are repeated.

10Six things that make it worse

1. Blaming your spouse for what is not within their power — offspring, illness, job loss.
2. Hiding debts or the real state of things until it comes to light on its own.
3. Using divorce as a threat every time there is an argument; talaq is not a tool of pressure (see Talaq).
4. Treating polygyny as a way out of a trial that has not been dealt with — it adds to the responsibilities, it does not reduce them (see Calculator).
5. Going to witch doctors, amulets and "cures" that claim the extraordinary — it endangers the akidah (creed) and usually the money as well.
6. Exposing a spouse's faults to social media or the family group chat (Surah al-Hujurat 49:12; Sahih Muslim 1437). Speaking to a counsellor, a hakam (arbitrator) or the court in order to get help does not fall under this prohibition.

11Du'a for hard times

• The du'a (supplication) of the Prophet Ayyub (peace be upon him) — "…Indeed, illness has afflicted me, and You are the Most Merciful of those who show mercy" (Surah al-Anbiya' 21:83).
• The du'a of the Prophet Zakariyya (peace be upon him) — "My Lord, do not leave me alone, and You are the best of inheritors" (Surah al-Anbiya' 21:89).
• The du'a of the Prophet Musa (peace be upon him) when hard-pressed — "My Lord, I am in need of whatever good You send down to me" (Surah al-Qasas 28:24).
• When a musibah (calamity) strikes — Inna lillahi wa inna ilaihi raji'un (2:156).
• When afraid and under pressure — "Allah is sufficient for us, and He is the best Protector" (Surah Ali 'Imran 3:173).
• The du'a for sorrow and debt — the Prophet ﷺ taught a du'a seeking refuge from anxiety, sorrow, weakness, laziness, miserliness, the burden of debt and the oppression of others (narrated by al-Bukhari — sahih).
• A du'a for the family — "Our Lord, grant us from among our spouses and our offspring comfort to our eyes…" (Surah al-Furqan 25:74).

A fuller collection of du'a is at Du'a & prayer.

12This week's practice

• ☐ Name the trial clearly — one sentence, in writing. What is not named cannot be managed.
• ☐ Write down one small step that is within our means, and do it this week.
• ☐ Set one 20-minute slot to talk calmly.
• ☐ If it is money: write all the debts and all the income on one sheet, together.
• ☐ If it is illness: make one appointment, and settle who goes along.
• ☐ If the sadness drags on: get professional help — not next month.
• ☐ One congregational prayer a day at home, and one du'a from this page read together.
• ☐ Choose one trustworthy person outside the home whom we can turn to without exposing our faults.

13Test yourself

Try to answer first before reading the answer.

Sources & references